Coffee, the Unknown Health Food

I’d like to take a moment to extol the benefits of coffee as a health food. Too many health food nuts have maligned this amazing substance, decrying caffeine for its healthy properties. However, our research has determined that there are many cases in which coffee truly helps an individual’s health… not only that, but it helps the health of those around them.

Anyone who’s ever tried to deal with a family member or co-worker before they’ve had their morning cup of Java understands this. Their lack of a morning pick-me-up can spell disaster for everyone around that poor individual who wasn’t even awake enough to realize that they needed to fill their mug, before seeing other people. Why, it’s almost like a Dr. Jekyll/ Mr. Hyde sort of situation.

Yes, coffee has amazing transformational powers, which few other substances can claim. Without it, much of society is nothing more than monsters, dangerous to all they encounter. Now, if that doesn’t make drinking coffee healthy, I don’t know what is.

But wait… there’s more…

It has been determined through extensive scientific studies that drinking coffee is one of the healthiest things to do while driving. The health benefits of coffee while driving increase with the number of hours that one spends behind the wheel. Without this wonder drink, drivers everywhere would fall asleep driving, causing incredible harm to themselves and those around them.

Clearly, all the talk about not getting distracted while driving doesn’t apply to coffee. While texting may be a distraction, drinking coffee while driving is a necessity. Any possible harm that the coffee may do is more than overcompensated for by the amazing health benefit of not crashing your car into a bridge abutment. Why, in this case, coffee is a true life saver.

So, you see, coffee truly is healthy. But, let’s look at one more…

How about people who do dangerous work, without their morning latte? Without the extra alertness that coffee imparts to them, they can be in a truly dangerous place. One blink of the eye and they could lose a finger, or even an arm. Yet, when wired by coffee, they have the nerves to quickly avoid those dangerous pitfalls that are waiting to catch them on their jobs.

It is clear that coffee is one of the healthiest things that these people can consume; preventing dangerous accidents which could cause them serious and permanent harm.

I could go on and on with such examples, but I think I’ve given you enough to make my point. Coffee truly is a health food; perhaps the most important of all health foods… that is, except for chocolate… I mean, it’s hard to beat chocolate for anything. Okay, coffee is the second most important health food out there, way above bean sprouts and barley greens. They don’t have anywhere near the power that coffee has to protect our health.

I’d like to recommend the inventor of coffee for a posthumous award of the Nobel peace prize. If there’s ever been anything that has kept peace in people’s lives, than its coffee. The peace they receive from that first cup of morning coffee goes beyond words, helping them to be in peace with all men. 

News Flash - Understanding Women

*** NEWS FLASH ***

The long-awaited book, “Understanding Women” by Dr. Hewho Knowsitall hit the book stands earlier today. This ground-breaking work has been expected to help men everywhere, in their relentless efforts to understand their wives, or at least manage to stay out of the doghouse. In only 10,523 pages, Dr. Knowsitall has given men a first-time insider’s look at a woman’s thought process, breaking it down into only 7,641 easy to understand steps.

Although men literally formed lines at Barnes & Nobles stores everywhere, much like they do at BestBuy for Black Friday, they didn’t manage to get their hands on the first copies sold. As the doors opened, hordes of angry women stormed the stores, beating the men to the display.

At first, it wasn’t clear whether the women were after the book to keep it out of men’s hands or simply so that they could understand themselves. But the purpose of the women quickly became clear as they pulled out their red pens and started making comments and corrections in the margins. It seems that this was a planned demonstration by women nationwide.

Listening in at the comments that the women were making, as their red pens were flying, it was clear that they didn’t think highly of Dr. Knowsitall’s work. They were fast to discredit any imagined slight or error they encountered, instead of applaud him for his ground-breaking effort.

It is hard to say what the publisher is going to do now. The work could go back for revision or might just be pulled off the bookstore shelves. Whatever happens, it’s clear that men aren’t going to get the information they sought and will have to continue living in the dog house, every time that they can’t read their wives minds.

Stay tuned. We’ll bring you the latest updates on this breaking story. Who knows, maybe reason will break out after all…. Naa.