Gender Specific Dictionaries

Rumor has it that Merriam-Webster has finally recognized that there is a difference between men and women. Yes, in a shocking announcement, which has enraged women’s lib organizations everywhere, Webster’s, the leader in defining words, has finally recognized the need to make gender specific dictionaries. This breakthrough announcement is being promoted as an attempt to bridge the communication gap between men and women.

A spokesperson for the group “Men and Women are all the Same” has called this new initiative every name in the book, including sexist, chauvinistic and even racist. In their press release, they’ve called for a government ban on Webster’s planned publication, decrying the effort as a means of demeaning women everywhere.

Yet, the dictionary giant has stood its ground, stating that they are only recognizing something that has existed since the first cave men… err, cave persons started using words. They give a number of examples of how men and women use the same words and phrases, but with much different meanings:

• “Nothing” – When a man says that nothing is wrong, that means that nothing is wrong. However, when a woman says that, it means that something is wrong, at that something is big.
• “Five minutes” – Any man can tell you that when his wife says she’ll be ready in five minutes, it doesn’t mean anything. Yet, when he says it, he’s thinking of a time period of 300 seconds.
• “I have nothing to wear” – A woman can stand in front of a closet full of clothes and say this, meaning “I have nothing that I feel like wearing.” If a man says it, it means, “I have nothing clean.”
• “I’m fat” – If a woman says this, it means that there’s one place she sees on her body that doesn’t look exactly like she thinks it should. When a man says it, it means that he probably has trouble fitting through the door.
• “Romance” – A man understands romance as sex, while a woman understands it as the little things that he should do for her to express love. Women further break the word romance down into subcategories, such as: “romantic words,” “romantic gifts” and “romantic acts.” Whereas, most men give you a blank look when you mention those subcategories.

According to Webster’s, there are literally hundreds, if not thousands of these differences. Their hope is that the new gender specific dictionaries will foster communication and help people to understand each other better. While this is still experimental, they have high hopes for the future.

Several thousand e-mails have been received from women by the Merriam-Webster’s customer service center. They seem to be about equally divided between those who are saying that the only reason there is a communication problem at all is that men are Neanderthals, who have never learned how to communicate past the grunt stage and women who are applauding the initiative as a way to teach men how to talk. Of this later group, every one of them also asks the question, “Why are you bothering creating the one that explains men’s definitions?”

It appears that despite the opposition, Webster’s is going ahead with their development of these new dictionaries. High sales are projected for the female version being bought by disgruntled wives who plan on giving it as a gift to their husbands. However, the reverse doesn’t seem to be true. Yet, the publisher plans to still go forward with both versions, in an attempt to curb sexist protests.