Why you would want to buy a gazebo on eBay is beyond me. The
last one I saw was made of marble. Do you realize how much the shipping on that
monster would be? It would probably cost almost as much as buying the gazebo
itself. Then, you’d need a crane and a construction crew to unload it from the
truck and put it together at your house. Are you really sure you want a gazebo?
Well, if you do, here’s how to buy one…
- Look up the word “gazebo” on Dictionary.com so that you can be sure you know what you’re talking about. You don’t want to get tricked into buying a false gazebo, just because you don’t know what you’re looking for.
- Check for gazebos on Wikipedia.com. That should give you a pretty good history of gazebos. You’re buying a piece of history here, so you should know what gazebos are all about. Don’t forget to check out the etymology of the word “gazebo.” You wouldn’t want to misuse it.
- By now, you’re probably tired of looking at your computer. Take a break, go down to the local Starbucks and buy me a Peppermint Mocha. You can buy something for yourself too, if you’d like.
- Get on eBay and do a search for “gazebo.” Make sure you don’t misspell it, or who knows what you’ll end up with.
- Notice that you’ve got a lot of junk that you don’t want. I mean, how are you going to hold a party in a 9” tall gazebo or a picture of a gazebo? You need to get rid of all that other junk. The easiest way to do that is to click no Home & Garden in the filters. That way, there’s a much better chance that the gazebos you see will be big enough to get inside.
- Spend the next 4 hours perusing in detail all 6,432 gazebos listed on eBay. Remember, you aren’t allowed to get up from your chair, get a glass of water, or go to the bathroom in that time. That’s why you got your coffee first.
- Save the gazebos you like to your watch list. That way, you can waste more time looking at them again.
- Yes, you’ve got it, that’s the next step, go back and look at all the ones you liked one more time, so that you can pick out a favorite. Don’t bother removing the ones you decide you don’t like from your watch list, you don’t want to lower the confusion factor.
- Once you’ve spent another two hours narrowing it down to your favorite, you’re ready to put in a bid. Make sure you don’t put in too high a bid, after all, this is eBay… you know, it’s got to be cheap.
- Sit there biting your nails for the next day or two, while you wait for somebody to outbid you. That won’t happen until the last 15 seconds, so that you don’t have enough time to outbid the outbidder.
- Throw something at a wall, yell into a pillow, jump up and down, and otherwise act immature because you didn’t get what you wanted.
- Go back to step seven and repeat the cycle as many times as necessary, getting more desperate each time, so that you are settling for something you don’t like as much and bidding higher and higher.
- Eventually you will win a gazebo that you don’t really want, at a price that’s more than you wanted to pay, and with exorbitant shipping to boot.
- Don’t forget to pay! As eBay says, when you bid, you enter into a contract to buy the gazebo of somebody else’s dreams once you bid.
- Wait for your gazebo to get there, grumbling all the while about having paid too much.
- Try not to be there when the delivery truck arrives, hoping that they’ll send it back. However, they won’t send it back, they’ll park your nice new gazebo right in front of your door.
Note from author: There is no slight intended against eBay in this satire. I buy regularly via eBay and have never had anywhere close to this bad an experience. Like much of satire, this is an exaggeration, intended to make things look much worse than they actually are. eBay is a wonderful business and I personally appreciate them. This, on the other hand, was just written for fun.
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