Bigger is Better

We’ve all heard at one time or another that bigger is better. It’s like it’s been taught to us from the time we were babies. The kid that gets the biggest Christmas present brags about its size. People who buy the biggest houses like to brag about the number of bedrooms, or bathrooms it has. We even brag about who’s got the biggest… well, never mind.

For decades, Detroit was on the bandwagon, helping people brag about having the biggest car. Many of those land yachts wouldn’t even fit in the average parking lot of today, let alone being able to walk around it in the garage. But then, something happened to the automotive industry, making those highway cruisers unpopular… gas prices started to rise.

Yes, it’s true, the rise in gas prices is really a conspiracy to get us out of big cars and into little ones. It really has nothing to do with fuel shortages at all, it’s just a marketing scheme.

Nobody’s sure where that scheme started, although Japan is strongly suspect. After all, they’re the ones who wanted to sell small cars here in the U.S., not Detroit. In fact, when the rumors of gas shortages first drove gas prices up, there wasn’t a single American made small car on the market. What Detroit called small was bigger than a Japanese limousine.

That must have been one of the most effective urban myth based marketing campaigns in history. Why, it even beats out the one about people stealing kidneys from unwary travelers. Yes sir, Detroit even bought into it, shrinking their car sizes. The “full-size” cars of today would have barely squeaked by as mid-size back in the 60s.

Of course, this has created one of the greatest marketing dilemmas to strike Detroit, since Henry made his first Model T. How can you reconcile small cars with “bigger is better;” it just doesn’t work. Granted, bigger is a relative term, so it doesn’t take much to be bigger than a Smart Car. But still, making a mid-sized car out to be big is a bit of a stretch. You just can’t impress your friends and neighbors with a car that can be taken in at a glance; it requires something big enough to make them have to turn their heads.

A number of solutions to this problem have been researched; everything from bolt-on accessories to permanently attached trailers; but none of them seem to work. At least, none have worked till now. There’s a new prototype on the horizon, which just might bring the idea of big cars back.

The “puffercar” as it’s called by the engineering team working on the project, was inspired by the infamous puffer fish. As you already know, the puffer fish inflates itself with water when sensing danger, making itself look much bigger than it really is. By connecting this idea to air-bag technology, engineers have created a car which puffs-up, just like the puffer fish. When you need to impress your friends and neighbors, just push a button, which is conveniently located on the steering wheel, and your typical mid-sized car suddenly looks as big as those land yachts of yesteryear. Then, when you need to park it, another touch of a button brings it back to its original size.

This technological breakthrough could revolutionize the automotive industry, bringing back the old saying of “bigger is better.” No longer would Detroit’s designers have to rack their brains trying to figure out how to make small look big. They could make big into small or small into big, at the touch of a button.

Avoid the Stress of that First Fender Bender, with a Pre-Dented Car

Psychologists have recently discovered that there is an incredible amount of stress associated with buying a new car. Not only is there the huge decision of which car to buy, with over 250 models of cars on the U.S. market, but there’s the financing, insurance, taxes and licensing to consider. All in all, the act of buying a new car is a pretty stressful endeavor.

But even with all that, there’s one stress that goes with the new car ownership, which outshines them all. That stressor is the idea of trying to keep that new car looking nice and new as long as possible. New car owners will go to great lengths to keep their car looking like it’s still on display in the showroom; everything from washing it every day to parking way out in the parking lot and hiking a half mile, just to make sure that the owner of the car in the next space can’t ding the pain job.

The day that the first nick, scratch or ding happens is a tragic day in the life of every new car owner. No longer is their pride and joy the pristine wonder that they brought home from the dealership. Now it’s just another old piece of junk for taking them from here to there.

To help reduce the shock of this tragic event, auto manufacturers have invested countless pennies and seconds of time into research into how to prolong or even eliminate that moment of time when a new car is no longer a new car. Finally, they found the answer.

Actually, the idea came from the manufacturers of denim blue jeans. Where it was once thought cool to have jeans that were a nice dark blue, without a single defect in them, it has now become the style to wear jeans which are “destroyed.” Just in case you aren’t sure what that word means, it means that the jeans are one step away from the trash can. Those are the cool jeans.

This phenomenon started back in the hippy days of the 60s. Whether from lack of money, or from lack of hygiene, many hippies ran around with messed up jeans. Hollywood actors and actresses, always quick to catch on to the latest fad, caught on to this idea and ran with it, making it cool to wear trashy jeans. Of course, once they did it, that make destroyed jeans the style. Nowadays, blue jean manufacturers take perfectly good pants, run them through the washing machine a number of times, with lots of bleach, rocks and pieces of broken glass, looking for that coveted “destroyed” look.

So, what does this have to do with cars? Simple, all the auto manufacturers have to do to eliminate the stress of that first fender bender is to have it for the new car owner. Trained test drivers can creatively ding cars as they come off the assembly line, just to take away that worry.

Of course, the intensity of the shock to these new cars will have to be carefully controlled as to not make the damage so severe as to cause functional damage to the car. However, with proper planning and thorough training of the test crashers, this problem should be easily overcome.

I’m sure that once the idea catches on, people will be willing to pay handsomely for this added service. After all, how much is stress elimination worth to them?

Now, Where did I Leave my Car?

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Have you ever noticed how well some women can lose their car in a parking lot? While any parking lot will do for this, the true car loser really shines when they go to the mall. There’s something about a shopping trip that makes women forget how they even got to there. Why, some of them can’t even remember which car they drove to the mall, let alone where they left it.

Countless woman hours and even some man hours have been spent in searching mall parking lots for lost cars. The truly expert car loser can spend hours, circling the parking lot over and over again, trying to remember what their car looked like and where they left it. Often, the only solution left to these poor souls is to wait until the mall closes and everyone else leaves. Then you can still find 20 or 30 women circling the parking lot, wondering which of the cars which have been left behind is theirs.

Some progress has been made in this plight by the advent of the remote door lock. With it, these women can walk up and down the aisles of the parking lot, pushing their button, and waiting for a car to respond. While it still requires excessive time, at least when they get close to their own car, it can recognize them.

A solution to this issue has been proposed in building upon the idea of the remote door lock. It would require some modifications to these women’s cars, but the savings in hours of traipsing through parking lots in high heels would be worth it.

The simple chance that has been proposed is to mount a light and siren on the top of these women’s cars, much like the bubble gum machine on a police cruiser. To increase effectiveness, this should be installed on an elevator lift, so that it can be lifted 20 or 30 feet into the air. That way, the lights and siren wouldn’t be lost in the sea of SUVs and monster trucks surrounding those women’s cars. Some other minor technical details would have to be worked out, like increasing the range of the remote and an interlock to ensure that the car can’t move with the light elevator raised.

Imagine it, stepping out the door of the mall and instantly being able to tell where your car is, with just a simple push of the button. No more hours of killing your ankles walking through the parking lot or having to wait till the mall closes to find your car. What a boon to efficiency!

Of course, if this idea caught on too well, it could cause some additional problem. Three or four women all exit the mall and push their buttons at the same time. One car answers and they all run for it. It would be like a reverse Cinderella story, but instead of whose foot fits the shoe, the winner would be whose key fits the car. The losers would then have to go back in the mall, find another exit and try again.

While this slight modification would be rather costly, it would be much cheaper than having to replace the car every time it gets lost in the mall parking lot. I’m sure that the marketing wizards would catch onto that and use it as a way to further their sales of the car’s women finding system.

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A note to the ladies: Before you get offended, thinking I'm making fun of you; remember, this blog is satire. It's about making fun of life. If you can't laugh at this, then maybe you need to get your funny bone checked. I'm really not being sexist, chauvinistic or any of those other bad things, I'm just laughing at the crazy situations we encounter in life.

The Inspection Sticker Trap

The police have secretly laid a trap for all car buyers. As with speed traps and other sorts of traps, this one exists solely to provide an opportunity for the police to hand out ticket. After all, everyone knows about the ticket quotas which cops have, right?

This new trap is a subtle one. It requires a network of spies and impeccable timing on the part of the officers who are running it. They have to catch you at just the right moment, or it’s too late. What makes it even trickier for the cops, is that it only works in cases where somebody buys a used car privately; hence the need for a spy network.

Most people who are selling cars privately don’t worry too much about little details like expired inspection stickers and license plates. Why should they spend money on things like that, when they aren’t driving the car? So, you buy a car and it’s everything is expired. Somehow, you’ve got to drive that car home, and do so without getting caught. That’s why the timing is so crucial.

As you turn the corner a couple of blocks from home, you suddenly see some pretty flashing lights in your rear view mirror. Yes, they’ve got you. They’ve been waiting for this moment from the time they first heard you were looking for a car. Now, they’ve got you and they’ve got you good. It’s a double-whammy ticket, both expired license plates and expired inspection. Yes! Extra points for a double header!

It doesn’t do any good to try and explain the situation, that’ll get you nowhere. They already know the situation and have been waiting for it. The officer will patiently explain, from behind his cheshire grin, that you should have taken care of the license plates before you drove the car home. It doesn’t matter if you didn’t have another car to go to the license bureau, that’s your problem, not theirs.

Of course, they never bother with the real trap, that of the sticker. I mean, think about it. How are you supposed to take your car to get an inspection sticker, without driving it? Are you supposed to carry it on your back?

Let’s see, you can’t drive the car to the inspection station to get the sticker if you don’t have the sticker; but you can’t get the sticker if you don’t take the car to the inspection station. So, where do you get the sticker from?

Like I said, it’s a trap. The cop gets to hand out a ticket, and you get the great joy of helping to pay the high costs of your city’s government. All thanks to the diligent efforts of your local police department.