The Never-ending Problem

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about human nature through the years, it’s that people like to complain. Granted, some like to complain more than others; and some show some genuine artistry in their ability to complain, while others are just your run-of-the-mill complainers.

Being an election year, the complainers are out in full force. One party complains about the other’s policies, making them out to be a bunch of villains, and the other complains back. Some of these complaints are rather remarkable. I mean, the people who make them up must be way out there to come up with them. Why, they’ll take something that a candidate says and twist, turn, fold, spindle and mutilate it into something totally different, on a totally different topic.

I haven’t decided if these spin doctors are on drugs, from the planet Xircon or just escapees from insane asylums. Once the campaign is over, they shouldn’t bother going to work for the government; I’m sure that they could make more money writing fiction. They’ve already got the experience.

Leaving these professional complainers behind; let’s get back to the run-of-the mill complainer. It seems that many of them are only happy when they are complaining. I mean, have you looked at Facebook lately? At least ten percent of the comments on there are somebody complaining about something or someone that the rest of us couldn’t care less about.

Maybe complaining is a safety valve for these people, to keep them from exploding. If that’s the case, then it would seem to me that we would be doing them a favor to help ensure that they always had something to complain about. It could be sort of a fall-back position, for moments when they run out of other things to complain about. That way, they’d always be miserable, which should make them always be happy.

All we need is something that’s big enough and long lasting enough that it becomes a permanent problem in their lives. At the same time, it’s can’t be so big that it overshadows all other complaints. If it were to reach those cosmic proportions, they might get bored of complaining about it, and just become miserable. No, there needs to be a very careful balance there, between being big enough to complain about and small enough to allow other complaints to overshadow it.

If we want to do this right, we would need to gift this problem equally to everyone at a very young age. That way, we couldn’t be accused of discrimination against complainers. Since they would be young, we’d need to educate them about the problem, so that they would have a true appreciation of it.

This sounds like a job for the public schools. We could institute an elementary school class, which infuses the mind of our children with a life-long problem, like taxes or the national debt, so that they could learn how to worry and complain about it at a very young age. Actually, it wouldn’t be hard to do. All it would take is to lower the age for paying income taxes to five years old. Then, the IRS could be after the kiddies, to make them pay income tax on their allowance. If anything would be a problem for a child, that would be it.

This might even put an end to the problem of people who don’t pay their income taxes. By starting them out young, when they are still quite impressionable, they would be indoctrinated by the time they became adults. Then, even the bum on the streets would be accustomed to paying taxes on their panhandling. Hmm, this could be boon for the American government; more tax revenue, without raising taxes.

Let’s not lose track of the focus though. Increased tax revenue is only a side-benefit. The true goal here is to help out the complainers, giving them ready access to something that they could complain about. While indoctrinating them early would be a major part of that plan, regular reminders are necessary as well.

Perhaps going back to Roman times, and installing tax collecting booths would help keep people reminded of their tax burden. Except, instead of putting them at the entrances of cities, we could put them at the exits of the workplaces. Then, people would be able to pay their own income taxes, instead of having their employer take it out of their check. If they don’t pay, they don’t get to leave work.

Aha, once again we have a way to boost tax revenue, while doing the people a favor. Get all those bureaucrats out of the IRS offices and into the workplaces, where they can really make people miserable. That’s the IRS’s goal anyway; why not help them do it even better?

Professional Spenders

There have been some notices floating around Facebook lately about how much a congress-critter makes. According to those notices, once you’ve been elected to “public office” at the national level, your salary is guaranteed for the rest of your life. They’ve got the best unemployment and retirement package in existence.

Like many, that has bothered me a bit; but, I think I’ve finally gotten to understand it. You see, the only things that those congress-critters know how to do is tell other people what they can’t do and throw other people’s money at problems. So, once they are forcibly retired, they can’t get another job.

So, as unfair as it is, I guess there is some twisted logic in paying these professional spenders a lifetime severance package. Of course, that doesn’t justify such a big golden parachute, at least not in the mind of Archie Bunker and friends. Nevertheless, they’re probably worth at least $1.95 per year.

There’s nowhere in the private sector for a professional spender. While some may argue that purchasing agents spend their company’s money, there’s a huge difference between corporate spending and government spending. You see, with corporate spending, the company receives something in return; and that something they receive has to be of equal value to the money they spent.

On the other hand, congress doesn’t worry about receiving something for what they spend. After all, it’s tax money; something that no “public servant” in their right mind would even bother to think about. They don’t have to show a profit or any return on investment, so it’s easy to throw the taxpayers’ money at problems, real or perceived. It’s all an illusion anyway.

Perhaps we should rename Congress, “The Department of National Spending.” That would, at least, be a more accurate description of their function. We could then change the way in which they spend money, by eliminating the voting on bills, and let each congress-critter spend their “fair share” of tax revenue as they see fit.

Under this plan, each congress-critter would be allocated $5,000,000,000 per year to spend (that’s five billion, in case you got lost counting all those zeroes). The various departments within the government would compete for allocation of that money, lobbying the congress-critters to support their department. Of course, some departments would have the help of special-interest groups for their lobbying efforts, so lobbyists wouldn’t lose their jobs. Then the congress-critter decides where they which department they will give their five billion to.

The money could all be given to one department or could be divided in any way, between all the different departments of the government. If a particular congress-critter doesn’t like what a department is dong, they could withhold support from that department, attempting to force them to make cuts. If there’s a department which seems to be doing an outstanding job, congress could respond by giving them more money.

Of course, the Senate would try and claim that they have a right to allocate a greater amount of government spending than the House of Misrepresentatives. However, it’s actually the House which is supposed to control spending, not the Senate. So, this could be one place where the two houses could be at least equal.

Then there’s the President. He’s going to want to get in on the act as well. After all, the best thing about being president is having a greater ability to pass out money than Congress does. So, I suppose we’d have to allocate $100,000,000,000 (that’s one-hundred billion) to the president, for him to spread around.

If nothing else, this new plan might encourage better controls on government spending. Gosh, maybe someone would realize that the government needed to learn how to run efficiently; a word that they can’t even spell, let alone apply.

Another clear advantage of this program would be that congress-critters would have more free time in their schedules to get a real job. That way, they’d have something to fall back on, when they get out of office. Yep, learning how to flip burgers would be a real improvement over their current skills, which consist of lying, cheating and stealing. At least with flipping burgers, they could contribute something to society, instead of just taking from it.

Keepin’ Up with Changes

Way back when, when Henry Ford came out with his Model T, there was only one model to choose from. The options list consisted of colors; you could have any color you wanted, as long as it was black. That was it. Although he did end up coming out with a few versions of the original (roadsters, coupes and touring versions) Henry sold that same basic model of car for 19 years. It didn’t matter if you bought one in 1909 or 1928, the parts were still interchangeable.

Of course, his competitors saw this as a disadvantage; but they didn’t have Ford’s interest in providing benefit to society, they were more interested in getting people to buy their cars. Hence, the invention of the model year. Yep, change the car a little bit each year, and you can surely get some people to get rid of their old one and buy the new one.

While those model year changes could be a bit of a hassle to keep up with, they were nothing compared to the model week changes we’re seeing today. Have you ever tried to keep up with the changes in digital camera models, or even worse, cell phones? If you go into a store to look at cell phones today, and decide to think about it a few days before buying it; there’s a good chance that when you go back to the store, that model will have been replaced by a newer one.

It has become so hard to keep up with the latest and greatest cell phone designs that some businesses are considering a phone rental program. With this very expensive program, you wouldn’t actually buy your phone, you’d merely rent it. Actually, you would be renting the phone as part of your service agreement. The company would guarantee that you would always have the latest and greatest of your particular phone style.

What this would mean is that when your phone model was replaced by a newer design, you would receive a newer phone. The company would send you a text message, informing you that your phone was due for a trade up. You’d go to the store, and they’d replace your one week old phone with the newer model. They’d even transfer all your phone numbers, pictures and apps over for you.

Since you’d only used the old phone for a week, it would probably still look like new; so the store could then sell it to someone who wasn’t as concerned about having the latest and greatest as you are.

Maybe they could even go to a multi-tiered system. People in tier one, who would of course pay the highest premiums, would get the latest phone. After a week or two, when they traded them in, those phones would go to the people in tier two, who paid a bit less. Those would be people who wanted the latest technology, but weren’t so concerned about showing up their friends and co-workers.

After another month or so, those people would then trade their still almost new phone in, where it would go to the tier three cheapskates, who would keep the phone for a year. They’d still have something pretty nice and pretty new, but wouldn’t have the latest and greatest. This tier would be for people who like high-tech, but don’t have a latest-and-greatest sort of budget.

Just think of all the time a system like this could save. Instead of having to keep track of the latest model releases, you could just wait till you’re informed by your service provider. You’d always have the latest, or close to the latest, if you chose tier two, without any of the annoying decision making that you have to go through now. Since you’d be making a monthly payment for your phone anyway, there would be no reason not to trade up.  

I can see this system rapidly expanding to include digital cameras, computers, and even flat-screen televisions. You’d never have to worry about keeping up with the Jones’, they’d be trying to keep up with you. You’d finally win the game and truly be keeping up with technology.

Negativity Alarm

In case you haven’t noticed yet, the world in which we live is rather negative. In fact, it’s very negative. Many things are expressed in a negative way, rather than a positive one. Take traffic lights for instance, I’m sure you’ve noticed that they’re called “stop lights;” well, why not call them “go lights?” After all, that’s what we’re all waiting for, them to signal us that we can go, not that we can stop.

If you take a moment to look around, you’ll notice all kinds of things like this. It’s no wonder that there are so many negative, depressed people in the world; it’s almost like society is working overtime to make us that way.

On the flip side of the coin, we look suspiciously at people who are always smiling, happy and positive. There’s something about them, which makes us all wonder if they’re on something. Either that or we just figure that they’re out of touch with reality. After all, we all know that life is full of problems, so they can’t be all that happy, not without something to help them along.

In a recent in-depth study done by me, I looked at the lives of three people, my pet dog, the neighbor’s cat and four birds in our back yard. In this earth-shaking study, I discovered that negativity breeds negativity. That’s right, if you are around people who are negative all the time, you too will learn how to be negative. Every wondered why you’re so negative? It’s from listening to your mother tell you “No!” all those years you were growing up.

Yep, if your mother had just been more positive, you’d be so too. Of course, everyone else might think that you belong in a funny farm, but that’s their problem. It’s not your fault that they were born to negative mothers.

The obvious solution to this problem is to avoid negative people. Hindu gurus do this by climbing the highest mountain they can find, and hiding out in a cave up there. They spend their days meditating on nothing, because there’s nothing much that one can do hiding out in a cave. C’mon now, what would you do if you spent all your days in a cave in the mountains?

Well, for those of us that want a little more excitement in our lives than what cave life offers, we need a way to avoid negativity, while still living in the midst of society. That would mean that we need a negativity alarm. Since negative people put off a negative vibe, somebody should be able to develop an electronic device which alerts us at their pending arrival. That would give us the chance to duck out quickly, before they appear.

The same device could probably home in on positive people, providing us with a way of getting closer to those crazies who always see life through rose colored glasses. You know who I mean, the people who always have a smile on their faces, a joke on their lips and a laugh on their belly.

Of course, with so much negativity in the world, the alarm would probably be going off constantly. I think that could be overcome though. There would probably be a learning curve for new users, in which their device would help them identify the negative influences in their lives. Once those were identified, they could restructure their lives to avoid all those negative influences. Of course, that might require the aforementioned cave in the mountains.

I can see where businesses and schools would quickly be making rules to outlaw the use of such devices. Since students generally think that their teachers are negative, taking away their freedom to hang out with their friends, alarms would be going off constantly. Likewise in workplaces, since most people aren’t thrilled with their bosses. Managing would be extremely tricky when every employee would have an alarm to tell them when their boss was getting close. “Quick everyone, pretend to work, the boss is coming.”

Even with these restrictions, I still think this device would be worth inventing. People could avoid at least some of the negativity in their lives, like court dates, dentist appointments and bill collectors. Just think how much happier most people would be without those. 

Hail to the First Socialist

Socialists the world over have done a great disservice to the inventor of socialism. Karl Marx has been given this honor, but those that are in the know understand that he was only copying the ideas of a much earlier socialist. This first socialist started working to bring about class equality and eliminate socioeconomic classes in the middle ages. By comparison, Marx is a latecomer, not writing his socialist theories till the later half of the 1800s.

This first socialist is one who is even wider known than Marx, even though he has never received proper credit for his work. In fact, his existence has been relegated to legend, ignoring the important social work that he did in his time. I am speaking, of course, of Robin Hood.

While Robin Hood’s philosophy was much simpler than that of Marx, nor did it include the ravings of the latter. Hood didn’t see a need to foment revolution or destruction of society as it was known, he was only interested in the redistribution of wealth. While Marx spoke of a utopian society where everyone was equal, Hood was more pragmatic, recognizing the differences that existed and doing what he could to create financial equality and help the poor.

Yet, Hood’s basic philosophy is stated throughout Marx’s writings. While Marx encouraged the masses to rise up in revolt, in order to take what he felt was rightfully theirs, Hood just took what Marx was after.

Ever since Marx’s time, socialist movements worldwide have concentrated on Robin Hood’s basic philosophy, that of stealing from the rich, so that the poor could have it. Regardless of whom they give the credit to, their philosophy remains the same, “they have it, we want it, let’s take it.”

Unfortunately, this great socialistic hero is depicted in folklore as a criminal. Granted, a hero criminal, but a criminal nevertheless. Had he accomplished what he did through revolution or politics, he would be seen as a progressive political genius, but his methods leave even the most hard-core socialists shaken. While they want to take what the rich have, they also want to do so under the cover of law. In other words, they want to create laws which permit them to steal, not just do the action.

Perhaps someday, Robin will receive his due praise for his visionary social programs. Maybe once the world becomes socialist, they will recognize the contributions made by this great hero. When everyone is equally poor, they will cry out for a new Robin Hood to rob from the rich whom they have eliminated, to give more to them.

Whatever are they Saving all that Daylight for?

For almost a century now, our government has been mandating the savings of time, each and every year. For over 200 days per year, we have been saving one hour per day. That makes a total of almost 23,000 hours that we have in the national daylight bank. That’s more than 950 days of sunshine, over two-and-a-half full years.

One has to wonder about the purpose of saving all this daylight. Were our forefathers so interested in the potential of solar energy, that they were willing to sacrifice all that time for future generations? Did they see that there would come a day when the hustle and bustle of everyday life would mean that we didn’t have enough time for the things that really matter? Were they concerned that global warming would turn the sun dark, and wanted to be sure that future generations would have the opportunity to know what sunlight was like?

Regardless of their reason, which has long since been lost in the corridors of history, it’s clear that this was a long-term plan. Even today, we’re still stashing away daylight, against that future cataclysm, which will cause our great-great-great-great-grandchildren to have need of all that stored up sunlight.

I’ve never been able to figure out how they really save that daylight. The Daylight Savings bank must be a truly huge place, in order to be storing daylight for all those years. Why, it’s probably bigger than the Boeing plant in Everett, Washington. I imagine that scientists have come up with some sort of way to compress the daylight, so that it would take up less space. Otherwise, that building would have to be even bigger. After all, it’s storing the daylight of the entire country.

Compressed daylight would have to be even more potent than regular daylight. Forget about sunblock, even SPF 100 wouldn’t mean anything. You’d need a sun shield, something like one inch thick steel plate. Imagine the energy potential. If we could just find a way to harness that concentrated sunlight, we’d end any real or imagined energy crisis. Of course, our modern solar panels would probably just burn up under that concentrated sunlight.

Even with the potential advantages, I’m not sure that I agree with the idea of banking all that daylight. After all, we’re being told to make this sacrifice, without being given any reason why. We don’t even get an opportunity to opt out. Daylight savings time happens, whether we want it to or not. While there are three states which have chosen not to participate, that required the whole state getting up on their proverbial hind legs to say one collective “No!” I guess the rest of the states just don’t have the gumption to do that.

Well, it appears that we’re still going to be banking all that daylight, whether I want to or not. I just hope those future generations, who get to use our daylight, appreciate the sacrifice we’ve made for them. Otherwise, it’s just an exercise in futility.

All Alone in the Ivory Tower

Throughout time immortal, the average man has made fun of those who have been sequestered in their ivory towers, far removed from the realities of life. While shaking their fist in rage at those isolated inhabitants of these high and lofty places, they speak in curses of the influence these elite have over the lives of those less fortunate.

Yet, these common men don’t understand the great price those elite have paid to have the right to hide themselves from the vagrancies of daily life. They’ve worked long and hard to reach such a lofty place in life, one in which they can impose their view on the world, instead of having the world impose itself upon them.

The ivory tower is something like a marshal’s baton to these intellects. It is their symbol of status, importance and loftiness. It is as if the climb up the stairs to their tower is raising them up, far above the humdrum life of mortal man.

Oh, to be one of those in the ivory towers of the world. Many look with longing, desiring the opportunity to be the one who attains to its heights; not realizing that they would be just as much a disaster as one of the elite, as those who are there. Yet, they never make it, lacking either the wit or wisdom, or more likely the perseverance to push on to those great heights of attainment. They, like many others are doomed to be one of the common people.

What those poor, directionless souls don’t realize is that there are an unlimited number of ivory towers available in the world. Yes, one only has to construct their own ivory tower, not try and take over one that already exists. The vast majority of the ivory towers don’t’ have anything to do with politics or government; no, they have to do with academia, invention and ideas. Those are the ones who have true influence in the world; not the hapless fools in politics.

Ah, but if the common man were to realize his own potential to attain his own ivory tower, where would those who currently inhabit those high and lofty places go? When the world looks like a forest of ivory towers, how could they still maintain their isolation and detachment? The ivory tower would no longer be a place of attainment and seclusion, but nothing more than a humble hovel, so like everyone else’s.

Perhaps it is better that the Joe Sixpack doesn’t realize his own potential. Perhaps it is better for him to wallow in his ignorance, shaking his fist and ranting at those who have built their tower of isolation. Perhaps he is happier that way; happier to complain, than to attain. Perhaps.

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Note to the reader: This was inspired by my own office. When I was a manufacturing engineer, we used to complain about the design engineers, who were locked away in their ivory tower. Well, I now have my own. My house is of ivory colored brick, with a tower in the corner. My office is in the second floor of that tower. The irony of it makes me smile.

The Not-so-New Election Machine

I don’t know about you, but I get really tired of all the bickering, name calling and slandering that’s a part of modern politics. Maybe some people like that, but I think it demeans the candidates and demeans the people who have to listen to it. I mean, haven’t we grown past the age where we’re saying “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names will never hurt me.” C’mon, we’re supposed to be adults; at least I think we are.

It goes far beyond the candidates too. The news media loves to get their two cents worth in (actually, more like 22,000 cents) and the average person out there does as well. Just look at Facebook any day of the week, it’s full of people spouting off their party’s line.

Once upon a time, such things were decided upon the field of battle. Kingly dynasties started because the first king in the line was a better warrior than any other. He beat his competition fair and square, without any name calling, mudslinging or lies. You might be able to lie on camera, but you sure can’t get away with it when you’ve got a sword in your hand. Then, it’s either put up or shut up.

Could you imagine the 2008 presidential elections if we went back to that. “In this ring, we’ve got Barak Obama, young, fit and full of energy, ready to do battle with his Republican rival; and in this corner, we’ve got John McCain, old, feeble and having a little trouble holding up his sword. Nevertheless, he’s ready to do battle with this young, liberal upstart.”

I’ll have to say, Obama would have had a definite advantage in that battle. With his youth and all, everyone would be betting on him. Maybe McCain would have been better off sending in Sarah Palin to do battle; at least she was a hunter. But then, he kind of did that, and it didn’t work out too well.

Of course, being a liberal, Obama would have had to overcome his own prejudices to do battle. After all, he’s in favor of gun control. I wonder if he’d be in favor of sword control as well. Now, that’s an interesting question, were the liberals in the middle ages trying to push for sword control? Hmm, well, that’s a question for another day.

I’m not sure how that battle would have come out. To win, Obama would have had to go against his principles. But, then again, he’s a politician; don’t they do that all the time?

If nothing else, I can see two main advantages of this system. First of all, it would be over quickly. I really can’t see any of them enduring an eight month sword fight, even if they only fought for five minute per day. Secondly, it would be much more entertaining to watch, than the political battles we have today. Maybe the TV ratings for these political debates would go up.

“Brave New World” Strikes Back

Leading researchers today at Nowhere Labs, Inc. have announced the final cure for drug addiction. Yes, these far seeing visionaries have finally created a way to get all those druggies off of cocaine, heroin, meth and a myriad of other hallucinatory drugs and back into society. The new drug, named after the drug “Soma” from the book Brave New World is everything that the fictional drug claimed to be.

The research team guarantees that this drug will provide a superior quality high, without any of the depressing effects of other drugs. Even better than that, the drug has none of the dangerous side-effects of the illegal drugs which people are using today.

Public acclaim of this new anti-drug, as they’re calling it, has been breathtaking. Many are talking about the potential destruction of the drug cartels, restoration of civil order, and reduction of Medicare costs in treating current drug users. It appears from everything being said about Soma, that it can do everything but walk on water. It’s even supposed to satisfy the users’ libido.

The Food and Drug Administration is fast-tracking approval of Soma through its system, seeing a potential cure for the millions of drug addicts and even more millions of recreational drug users in society. In carefully guarded statements they are declaring that once Soma hits the market, society’s health in general will be vastly improved.

While there are skeptics to the power of this new anti-drug, they’re voices are largely unheard, being drown out by the general clamor in favor of this technological breakthrough.

Even congress is getting behind the use of Soma, with a bill being introduced today which will provide for free distribution of it to anyone who even claims to be a casual drug user. Provisions in the bill prevent dispensing agencies from turning that information over to police or taking any legal action against those who are asking for their fair share of Soma.

This is a breakthrough day in America. We have finally reached the point where our entire society can be high 24/7 and do so safely, comfortably and free. Just think, being able to go to work or school while high and nobody can complain, because it’s government sanctioned. Yes, people will have a whole new outlook on life, finally being able to see everything through those proverbial rose colored glasses.

To those who are complaining about the inherit danger of having people work while under the influence of drugs, proponents are saying that they are trying to keep people as slaves. These people are obviously hate mongers and bigots, who want to prevent people from enjoying their lives. Proponents of Soma have declared loudly that they can’t understand such hateful actions, quoting that our constitution guarantees everyone citizen’s right to “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” “Here we are, offering happiness,” they say, “and these hate mongers are going against the constitution to declare it illegal.

It appears that the ways are greased for making Soma available to the general public. For now, there’s only a few elect people who are having the opportunity to be part of the field testing. So, if you’ll excuse me, reality is closing in, it must be time for my next dose.