Coffee, the Unknown Health Food

I’d like to take a moment to extol the benefits of coffee as a health food. Too many health food nuts have maligned this amazing substance, decrying caffeine for its healthy properties. However, our research has determined that there are many cases in which coffee truly helps an individual’s health… not only that, but it helps the health of those around them.

Anyone who’s ever tried to deal with a family member or co-worker before they’ve had their morning cup of Java understands this. Their lack of a morning pick-me-up can spell disaster for everyone around that poor individual who wasn’t even awake enough to realize that they needed to fill their mug, before seeing other people. Why, it’s almost like a Dr. Jekyll/ Mr. Hyde sort of situation.

Yes, coffee has amazing transformational powers, which few other substances can claim. Without it, much of society is nothing more than monsters, dangerous to all they encounter. Now, if that doesn’t make drinking coffee healthy, I don’t know what is.

But wait… there’s more…

It has been determined through extensive scientific studies that drinking coffee is one of the healthiest things to do while driving. The health benefits of coffee while driving increase with the number of hours that one spends behind the wheel. Without this wonder drink, drivers everywhere would fall asleep driving, causing incredible harm to themselves and those around them.

Clearly, all the talk about not getting distracted while driving doesn’t apply to coffee. While texting may be a distraction, drinking coffee while driving is a necessity. Any possible harm that the coffee may do is more than overcompensated for by the amazing health benefit of not crashing your car into a bridge abutment. Why, in this case, coffee is a true life saver.

So, you see, coffee truly is healthy. But, let’s look at one more…

How about people who do dangerous work, without their morning latte? Without the extra alertness that coffee imparts to them, they can be in a truly dangerous place. One blink of the eye and they could lose a finger, or even an arm. Yet, when wired by coffee, they have the nerves to quickly avoid those dangerous pitfalls that are waiting to catch them on their jobs.

It is clear that coffee is one of the healthiest things that these people can consume; preventing dangerous accidents which could cause them serious and permanent harm.

I could go on and on with such examples, but I think I’ve given you enough to make my point. Coffee truly is a health food; perhaps the most important of all health foods… that is, except for chocolate… I mean, it’s hard to beat chocolate for anything. Okay, coffee is the second most important health food out there, way above bean sprouts and barley greens. They don’t have anywhere near the power that coffee has to protect our health.

I’d like to recommend the inventor of coffee for a posthumous award of the Nobel peace prize. If there’s ever been anything that has kept peace in people’s lives, than its coffee. The peace they receive from that first cup of morning coffee goes beyond words, helping them to be in peace with all men. 

News Flash - Understanding Women

*** NEWS FLASH ***

The long-awaited book, “Understanding Women” by Dr. Hewho Knowsitall hit the book stands earlier today. This ground-breaking work has been expected to help men everywhere, in their relentless efforts to understand their wives, or at least manage to stay out of the doghouse. In only 10,523 pages, Dr. Knowsitall has given men a first-time insider’s look at a woman’s thought process, breaking it down into only 7,641 easy to understand steps.

Although men literally formed lines at Barnes & Nobles stores everywhere, much like they do at BestBuy for Black Friday, they didn’t manage to get their hands on the first copies sold. As the doors opened, hordes of angry women stormed the stores, beating the men to the display.

At first, it wasn’t clear whether the women were after the book to keep it out of men’s hands or simply so that they could understand themselves. But the purpose of the women quickly became clear as they pulled out their red pens and started making comments and corrections in the margins. It seems that this was a planned demonstration by women nationwide.

Listening in at the comments that the women were making, as their red pens were flying, it was clear that they didn’t think highly of Dr. Knowsitall’s work. They were fast to discredit any imagined slight or error they encountered, instead of applaud him for his ground-breaking effort.

It is hard to say what the publisher is going to do now. The work could go back for revision or might just be pulled off the bookstore shelves. Whatever happens, it’s clear that men aren’t going to get the information they sought and will have to continue living in the dog house, every time that they can’t read their wives minds.

Stay tuned. We’ll bring you the latest updates on this breaking story. Who knows, maybe reason will break out after all…. Naa.

How to Buy a Gazebo on eBay

Why you would want to buy a gazebo on eBay is beyond me. The last one I saw was made of marble. Do you realize how much the shipping on that monster would be? It would probably cost almost as much as buying the gazebo itself. Then, you’d need a crane and a construction crew to unload it from the truck and put it together at your house. Are you really sure you want a gazebo? Well, if you do, here’s how to buy one…

1. Look up the word “gazebo” on Dictionary.com so that you can be sure you know what you’re talking about. You don’t want to get tricked into buying a false gazebo, just because you don’t know what you’re looking for.
2. Check for gazebos on Wikipedia.com. That should give you a pretty good history of gazebos. You’re buying a piece of history here, so you should know what gazebos are all about. Don’t forget to check out the etymology of the word “gazebo.” You wouldn’t want to misuse it.
3. By now, you’re probably tired of looking at your computer. Take a break, go down to the local Starbucks and buy me a Peppermint Mocha. You can buy something for yourself too, if you’d like.
4. Get on eBay and do a search for “gazebo.” Make sure you don’t misspell it, or who knows what you’ll end up with.
5. Notice that you’ve got a lot of junk that you don’t want. I mean, how are you going to hold a party in a 9” tall gazebo or a picture of a gazebo? You need to get rid of all that other junk. The easiest way to do that is to click no Home & Garden in the filters. That way, there’s a much better chance that the gazebos you see will be big enough to get inside.
6. Spend the next 4 hours perusing in detail all 6,432 gazebos listed on eBay. Remember, you aren’t allowed to get up from your chair, get a glass of water, or go to the bathroom in that time. That’s why you got your coffee first.
7. Save the gazebos you like to your watch list. That way, you can waste more time looking at them again.
8. Yes, you’ve got it, that’s the next step, go back and look at all the ones you liked one more time, so that you can pick out a favorite. Don’t bother removing the ones you decide you don’t like from your watch list, you don’t want to lower the confusion factor.
9. Once you’ve spent another two hours narrowing it down to your favorite, you’re ready to put in a bid. Make sure you don’t put in too high a bid, after all, this is eBay… you know, it’s got to be cheap.
10. Sit there biting your nails for the next day or two, while you wait for somebody to outbid you. That won’t happen until the last 15 seconds, so that you don’t have enough time to outbid the outbidder.
11. Throw something at a wall, yell into a pillow, jump up and down, and otherwise act immature because you didn’t get what you wanted.
12. Go back to step seven and repeat the cycle as many times as necessary, getting more desperate each time, so that you are settling for something you don’t like as much and bidding higher and higher.
13. Eventually you will win a gazebo that you don’t really want, at a price that’s more than you wanted to pay, and with exorbitant shipping to boot.
14. Don’t forget to pay! As eBay says, when you bid, you enter into a contract to buy the gazebo of somebody else’s dreams once you bid.
15. Wait for your gazebo to get there, grumbling all the while about having paid too much.
16. Try not to be there when the delivery truck arrives, hoping that they’ll send it back. However, they won’t send it back, they’ll park your nice new gazebo right in front of your door.

There you have it. Now, are you sure you really want to buy a gazebo on eBay? Wouldn’t you rather take that money and go on vacation somewhere that has a gazebo you can look at? It would be whole lot easier, and maybe even cheaper. No matter what, it will definitively be less stressful.

---

Note from author: There is no slight intended against eBay in this satire. I buy regularly via eBay and have never had anywhere close to this bad an experience. Like much of satire, this is an exaggeration, intended to make things look much worse than they actually are. eBay is a wonderful business and I personally appreciate them. This, on the other hand, was just written for fun.

The Monday Conspiracy

Let me start by saying that I’m really not into conspiracy theories, although I have seen a few that make me wonder…  Anyway, have you ever noticed how many people don’t like Mondays? I used to think that it was people’s imaginations when they said that Mondays were always bad. It was like they were expecting it to be bad, so they were looking for it to be bad, so they had a bad attitude, so everything ended up being bad. Kind of like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Nevertheless, I have finally found compelling evidence that shows me that Mondays are truly a conspiracy. Yes, they’re a conspiracy to make us hate 1/7 of our life. Why anyone would want to make so many people miserable is beyond me. However, there is no question that there is a secret society, whose sole goal is to make everyone hate Mondays. What? You don’t believe me? Look at this:

• Almost all workplaces start the work week on Monday. If there were no conspiracy, why wouldn’t some of them start on Tuesday, or Wednesday?
• There are no traffic jams on Saturday of Sunday, yet every Monday morning, millions of people are stuck in a long line of creeping traffic.
• Many companies pay on Friday, ensuring that their employees blow their paychecks over the weekend and have to go back to work on Monday.
• Monday night football has much lower viewership than Sunday football, showing that most people are too tired and too bummed out to even watch football.
• Less is accomplished in any workplace on Mondays than any other day of the week, except Fridays. Of course, on Fridays, everyone is too busy thinking about the weekend to think about work.
• If it weren’t for Mondays, everyone could have a perpetual weekend. While not much work would get done, people would be happier, doing what they want to do, rather than doing what they have to do.

So, why is it that this secret society is working so hard to ruin everyone’s Mondays? The only thing that makes sense is to try and get people to quit their jobs. Yes, this society is against the free enterprise, capitalistic system that makes our economy strong. They’re working to being down industry, making America a country of unemployed people who are dependent upon government aid to function.

This clearly must be a move on the parts of our foreign competitors. If the old Soviet Union was still around, I’d say that they were a prime candidate. However, with their demise, we must look elsewhere. It seems that it would have to be some of the Pacific Rim countries, who are benefiting from American companies sending our manufacturing jobs overseas.

Think of it. If the Chinese or Japanese can get us to quit being a productive society, they guarantee that we’ll buy their products. There won’t be any “buy American” campaigns, because there won’t be any American products to buy. All they have to do is get American’s to quit producing, and they guarantee their market dominance for the next 50 years or more. Quite a business strategy, isn’t it?

You have to realize that to stop working doesn’t mean that we’ll stop consuming. We’re the biggest society of consumers in the world. Our lives are built around consuming; we’re taught how to be consumers from the first moment we look at a television. So, of course, we’ll keep on consuming.

What’s that? How will we keep on consuming when we’re not working? Simple; credit cards. The average American already spends ten percent more than they earn. So, if you take away the income side of the equation, then we can manage to spend 110 percent of what we earn. Actually, it’ll be more than that, since we’ll have more time to consume, without all that pesky time lost working.

So, there you have it. Don’t fall for that conspiracy. Embrace your Mondays! Be part of the one percent that actually enjoys going to work! Don’t let foreign competition break you down!

How to Replace a Motherboard

Really now, are you sure you want to do that? Don’t you know that divorce isn’t the answer? You get one divorce and all you’re going is setting yourself up for a string of divorces. And what about your kids? Yeah, I saw that; you’re talking about replacing their motherboard. Don’t you know that you can’t replace a kid’s mother? Why, you might get another woman to do the housework, but she’ll never be his mother. The most you can expect is that they’ll develop a fondness for her as a step-motherboard.

You know, you’d be a lot better off just fixing the relationship you have. In the long run, that’ll work out better for everyone. After all, whatever problems you have in this relationship are going to get carried over into the next one. Just ask any woman, all the problems in your marriage are your fault, not hers.

If you do decide that you have to replace her, remember, replacing a motherboard can be pretty expensive. You’ve got to figure in alimony, child support and the horrendous fees that lawyers charge. I guarantee you, you’re not going to win out on this deal.

What if you lose custody of the little hard drives? You know, she might get them. Then, it won’t be so much an issue of replacing the motherboard as replacing the fatherboard. Yeah, have you thought of that? That’s a big deal. You could end up out on the trash heap, all alone, without anyone to connect to. Then what’ll you do?

So, like I said, you’re better off fixing the motherboard you have, instead of replacing her. Now, you really can’t fix her, all you can fix is you. Yeah, that’s right, you can’t change her at all; at least not in a direct way. The only thing you can do is change you, and hope that the changes in you will bring about a change in her.

Actually, that’s more effective anyway. The problems you have with her probably have a lot to do with you. Are you sure you’re giving her the right input? How about your power connection, is it good for her? Maybe you’re filling up her memory with so much garbage, that the good stuff can’t come out. You’ve heard it, “Garbage in, garbage out.”

Steps to Replacement

Okay, so I haven’t convinced you. Well, if you’re still going to replace your motherboard, here’s how to do it.

1. You’ve got to power down the system before doing anything, and get everything disconnected from the case. Open it up and you’ll see the motherboard laying there.
2. First of all, make sure you have all your documentation in order. You’re never going to get things to come out the way you want if you don’t have the right information.
3. Next, find yourself a good lawyer. These things can be tricky, and you want to make sure that you have the right protection. You’ve need one that’s well grounded, to protect you and the new motherboard from a shock.
4. Get everything out of the way that could cause problems. Motherboards can be a bit hard to get to, with everything in the way. So, if there’s anything between you and her, be sure to disconnect it and take it out of the way.
5. Remove all her connections. You don’t want anything keeping you from getting her out of there, once you unscrew her.
6. Unscrew the motherboard. Not all motherboards are held in with screws, but most have at least a few. There are probably a bunch of standoffs, which she’ll need to be lifted off from. That can be touchy, as unhooking one standoff can cause another one to grab hold.
7. Once you’ve removed the old motherboard, you can install the new one. It should go in right where the old one was. You’ll need to reconnect everything to her and reinstall all the little cards. They may not connect in the same places as the old ones did, but the connectors will be the same.

Conclusion

Replacing your motherboard can make your computer hotter. Be sure that you keep her well ventilated so that she doesn’t overheat. Hopefully, everything will work out okay and you’ll enjoy your life with your newer, faster motherboard. If not, you’re stuck with her, you’ve already thrown the old one away, so there’s nothing you can do about it.

---

Note to the reader: If you don't know what a motherboard is, it's the main circuit board in a computer. I just twisted the meaning a bit to write this. 

The Last French Fry

Have you noticed how the great meal deals of those fast food restaurants keep getting bigger and bigger all the time? It seems that no matter how big they are, we always want them just a little bit bigger. After all, what does the government know, saying that we only need 2,000 calories per day? Where in the Constitution does it give them a right to limit our food intake? I’m an American; I have a right to eat all I want, or at least all I can afford.

Why, if I want to eat all those calories in one sitting, I should be able to. Just think of it, stop in for a quick bite of cholesterol, fat and salt, all wrapped up in a supersized-jumbo-deluxe burger fiesta. Who cares about eating healthy, bring it on! My doctor can give me something to keep me healthy, that’s his job, not mine.

You know, as big as those meals get, it seems like they’re never big enough. You can sit there and pig out on all the cholesterol and carbohydrates you want, but eventually, you get to that last French fry. Oh, how sad it is to finally reach the bottom of the barrel, or at least the bottom of the French fry wrapper. “Why can’t they make these things bigger?” you ask, “I could keep on eating them for at least another hour.”

Yes, it’s a sad moment we all must face, when we finally get to that last French fry. Yet, it comes to us all; that moment when we must say goodbye to our super burger meal, with all its fat and calories. That last French fry is consumed, and all we have left are the memories.

There’s a sad finality to wadding up the wrappers, almost like burying your pet cockroach. To have to throw away the clothing which held that succulent juicy cholesterol burger, and those carbohydrate sticks we call fries. Letting them go is like saying goodbye to an especially close friend. Even so, this is a friends whom we get to take with us forever.

Maybe we should start naming our meals. Then, when we meet a friends who we haven’t seen for years, we don’t need to be embarrassed about our fat, we can instead introduce them to all our friends. “This here, that’s Marv, he was a triple burger I ate on the Fourth of July; and this over here, well, she was special; that was the three pound burrito I ate on New Year’s. Yeah, me and my friends here, we get along great. I’ve kept them safe and warm for a long time.”

Of course, naming every French fry might be a bit much. It would be hard to keep track of all those names. It might just be easier to name every roll of fat, like “the French fry hills” and “soft drink slope.” Yeah, that would be easier to remember. Then, they could all get together, like a little family.

You see, there’s no reason to get sad about that last French fry. Yes, your taste buds will have to say goodbye to them, but the rest of you can welcome them with open arms, welcoming them home to stay… forever.

Virtual Life

Ever since the first affordable personal computer was built, the PC has been working hard to integrate itself into every area of our lives. Where once computers were massive artifacts, relegated to the geeks in their IT departments, requiring a computer science degree to understand, they have become simple enough for small children to teach their parents how to use.

Adding the World Wide Web and broadband connectivity has only helped to integrate the computer even more fully into our lives. Why, we are surrounded by computers today, with computers on our desks, computers in our phones, computers in our cars and even computers in our appliances. It’s just about to the point where we can access our refrigerator from work, check to see what’s inside it and have our oven start cooking it, all from the comfort of our computer.

With Internet access, you no longer need to even leave your home. You can do your shopping online, check out the movies you want to see, read the books you want to read (do people still read?) and interact with people all over the world. Why, friendships have even been reshaped  by the Internet, now a friend is someone you don’t know, but laugh at their funny photos and comments on Facebook. You can even fall in love, get married and live happily ever-after with someone through your computer; without ever having to see them.

Yes, the avatar has replaced the person. We’re all in the process of becoming little images of who we think we are, whether that has anything to do with who we really are or not. You can now fall in love with a beautiful avatar of the girl of your dreams, without ever knowing who she really is.

Soon, social media will take over people’s lives; they will no longer live a real life, but merely a virtual one. These new people will go to virtual schools, earn money in virtual work, eat virtual food, form virtual relationships and have virtual children. No longer will they need to worry about real life, they can enjoy their virtual one instead.

Let’s just look at virtual jobs as an example. They’re much better than real jobs, because you don’t have to do them all day. You can just show up once in a while, and with a few mouse clicks, you’ve earned your money for the day. Then you can go on a shopping spree to spend that virtual money on virtual stuff. Stop in and visit your virtual girlfriend and take her out for a virtual meal. Since you’re paying for it with virtual money, paint the town, it won’t cost you a cent.

I think the next step down the road towards virtual life is when they start making portable computer packs with the screens in goggles. Then people won’t have to leave their virtual world for anything. As they drive down busy city streets, they can change the scenery to a virtual countryside, populated by elves and unicorns and other fairy-tale creatures.

Just think, you’d never have to deal with an angry boss again. If your boss showed up, you could just delete him. That annoying co-worker could be changed into a cat. The customer who gives you a hard time could be converted to a horse and you could go riding off into the sunset.

Yes, this virtual life has potential. If there ever was a drug for the masses, it’s not cocaine, it’s the virtual world. Forget about having to get away from your problems, you can just get rid of them. Talk about looking at life through rose colored glasses, you can have your virtual glasses show life in any color you want. Ahh, what a life… who would want a real life, when you can have a virtual one?