The Monday Conspiracy

Let me start by saying that I’m really not into conspiracy theories, although I have seen a few that make me wonder…  Anyway, have you ever noticed how many people don’t like Mondays? I used to think that it was people’s imaginations when they said that Mondays were always bad. It was like they were expecting it to be bad, so they were looking for it to be bad, so they had a bad attitude, so everything ended up being bad. Kind of like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Nevertheless, I have finally found compelling evidence that shows me that Mondays are truly a conspiracy. Yes, they’re a conspiracy to make us hate 1/7 of our life. Why anyone would want to make so many people miserable is beyond me. However, there is no question that there is a secret society, whose sole goal is to make everyone hate Mondays. What? You don’t believe me? Look at this:

• Almost all workplaces start the work week on Monday. If there were no conspiracy, why wouldn’t some of them start on Tuesday, or Wednesday?
• There are no traffic jams on Saturday of Sunday, yet every Monday morning, millions of people are stuck in a long line of creeping traffic.
• Many companies pay on Friday, ensuring that their employees blow their paychecks over the weekend and have to go back to work on Monday.
• Monday night football has much lower viewership than Sunday football, showing that most people are too tired and too bummed out to even watch football.
• Less is accomplished in any workplace on Mondays than any other day of the week, except Fridays. Of course, on Fridays, everyone is too busy thinking about the weekend to think about work.
• If it weren’t for Mondays, everyone could have a perpetual weekend. While not much work would get done, people would be happier, doing what they want to do, rather than doing what they have to do.

So, why is it that this secret society is working so hard to ruin everyone’s Mondays? The only thing that makes sense is to try and get people to quit their jobs. Yes, this society is against the free enterprise, capitalistic system that makes our economy strong. They’re working to being down industry, making America a country of unemployed people who are dependent upon government aid to function.

This clearly must be a move on the parts of our foreign competitors. If the old Soviet Union was still around, I’d say that they were a prime candidate. However, with their demise, we must look elsewhere. It seems that it would have to be some of the Pacific Rim countries, who are benefiting from American companies sending our manufacturing jobs overseas.

Think of it. If the Chinese or Japanese can get us to quit being a productive society, they guarantee that we’ll buy their products. There won’t be any “buy American” campaigns, because there won’t be any American products to buy. All they have to do is get American’s to quit producing, and they guarantee their market dominance for the next 50 years or more. Quite a business strategy, isn’t it?

You have to realize that to stop working doesn’t mean that we’ll stop consuming. We’re the biggest society of consumers in the world. Our lives are built around consuming; we’re taught how to be consumers from the first moment we look at a television. So, of course, we’ll keep on consuming.

What’s that? How will we keep on consuming when we’re not working? Simple; credit cards. The average American already spends ten percent more than they earn. So, if you take away the income side of the equation, then we can manage to spend 110 percent of what we earn. Actually, it’ll be more than that, since we’ll have more time to consume, without all that pesky time lost working.

So, there you have it. Don’t fall for that conspiracy. Embrace your Mondays! Be part of the one percent that actually enjoys going to work! Don’t let foreign competition break you down!

The Conspiracy of the Poopie Diapers

It’s a well known fact that women go to the bathroom together so that they can hold their union meetings. That’s where they plot and plan against men, deciding what they’re going to do to get even. Of course, nobody ever defined what it is that they need to get even for, but women everywhere seem to understand that universal need.

One of the evilest schemes to ever come out of the women’s restroom is the conspiracy of the poopie diapers. Yes, this is one conspiracy theory that’s real. One which was hatched in the ladies room, somewhere between the main course and dessert.

The central theme of this plot is to force husbands everywhere to deal with the most dreaded of toxic substances… the poopie diaper. Men everywhere strive hard to avoid this task, but we’re regularly outfoxes by the wiliness of the female of our species. Their superior cunning and craftiness finds a way to back men into a corner, where they are forced with facing those diapers and what they contain.

Since men aren’t all that comfortable around babies in the first place, it gives women great pleasure to do what they can to increase this sense of discomfort. Their ultimate act, their big gun you might say, is leaving a man alone with a baby, who poops five minutes after she leaves the house. He’s then stuck with changing the diaper, or leaving the baby crying and wallowing in its poop for the next three hours.

The secret to this exercise in revenge is the timing of feeding the baby. Everyone knows that eating triggers a reflex action in the body to eliminate waste. This is the key to making this plot work. By feeding the baby just before leaving, the woman is assured that her husband will be stuck with that dirty diaper, five minutes after she’s out of sight. They probably drive away laughing, checking their watches and doing a countdown until the moment of poop.

Women who are truly skilled in the use of this strategy even plan ahead; feeding the baby foods for two or three meals ahead of time, which are specifically selected to cause diarrhea. That way, the affect of the diaper is even more magnified, along with the urgency of changing it.

Rumors have it that there are even secret formulas which women can buy, which increase the stench coming from the poop and making the task even more odious. Yes, secret web sites, carefully guarded and only accessible to women sell these additives; with the guarantee to turn even the most nose-dead man’s stomach.

“Why,” you might ask, “would women want to do such a thing to their husbands? A very good question. The base motivation is revenge. Have you ever been in the delivery room, when a woman was giving birth to her baby? When women are in the transitional phase of childbirth, they vow to get even with their husbands for getting them pregnant. Well, guess what? Here is the revenge. It’s subtle, but the greatest thing about it is that it’s a revenge that can be exacted over and over again.

So, how does a man get out of changing those poopie diapers? There really is no way. They must accept that women are the craftier gender, who can and will make sure that they face those dreaded poopie diapers.

Got a clothespin anyone?

He’s Wrong!

In recently discovered documents from the International Wives Union, a new plan has been discovered to plug a breach in their perceived fault to maintain all husbands in the doghouse. It seems that if a man speaks in the woods, and there are no women around, he isn’t wrong. Yes, that’s true a man can actually be right, if he’s willing to walk out into the woods, all by himself.

Realizing that this affront to their code of conduct is inexcusable, the IWU has launched an extensive study to determine how extensive this breach might be. The concern is that if husbands can actually have the opportunity to speak even five percent of what they say, without being told they are wrong, they might actually get the idea that they could be right at other times. Realizing the inherent danger in this possibility, wives everywhere have united to try and put an end to it.

The three-tier approach which has been adopted, in the case that this potential problem is proven to exist, may see an early elimination to this potential risk.

• Tier 1 has actually been being put into place for many years. This phase of the operation is aimed at infiltrating the military, normally a strong bastion of male-ness. Although many women in the armed forces are single, the IWU is offering them an honorary membership if they are willing to sign on to this strategic initiative.

• Tier 2 is to use whatever means necessary to deny men the opportunity to go out in the woods by themselves. While there are some things that no self-respecting wife would do, there is hope that by whining, nagging, and manipulating, many wives can get their husbands to give up their hunting and fishing trips, the greatest risk time for men to talk without a woman present.

• Tier 3 consists of women volunteers following those men into the woods to temporarily take the place of their wives telling them they are wrong. While it is understood that these women’s scorn wouldn’t have the same impact as being told they are wrong by their own wife, this stop-gap measure is considered superior to the alternative of letting these men think that they are right.

For the long term, the IWU is developing a flying robotic, which is hoped to ensure that men are never afforded this dangerous opportunity. A cloud of these devices, which look like a small flying saucer with a flat screen monitor on it, would fly all over the world, homing in on men’s voices. When they find men speaking, without women present, they would hover nearby to point out those men’s errors. The screen would show a picture of their wife, so that they would know that they were well and truly caught.

While there are a number of technical difficulties, which still need to be overcome, there is high hope for this system. One of the key problems is in identifying the particular man in question, so that the right wife’s photo and voice can be used. So far in testing, an identification patch, appearing like a small band-aid has been placed on the test subject’s backs. Being invisible to the man, he is not likely to remove it.

Wives would have to be supplied with these patches, which they could secretly stick onto their husband’s backs during a hug. While not a perfect solution, it is being used successfully in testing. An improved method, which would require inserting the patch under the man’s skin, is being developed. While scaling down the size isn’t much of an issue; developing a delivery mechanism that wives could use, without their husband’s suspecting, is a major hurdle to be overcome.

A target date for full implementation of this system has not yet been set. Hopes are high that funding for global launch can soon be realized. Testing continues, while the database of women’s faces and voices is built up. Final testing of the miniature anger reactor which powers the robots is expected to be concluded shortly. 

The Computer Equipment Challenge

Have you noticed how computers are getting more and more connections on them? Maybe if you’re relatively new to the world of computers, you haven’t. But, for those who have been using PCs since the beginning of time, there’s a definite difference between those early dinosaurs and their modern cousins. Not only do we have color monitors and fancy accessories, but the computer companies are conspiring to get us to buy more of them.

Yes, for those who are into conspiracy theories, this is a true one. It’s not the government this time, nor is it some secret society it’s big business that’s conspiring against you and me. Yes, the major computer manufacturers have gotten together in a secret meeting and decided how to get into our collective pocket.

Of course, this meeting was so secret that they kept Apple out of it. The rest of the computer community has never accepted Apple as a true member anyway, with their different operating system and their trendy styles. No, Apple’s aren’t real computers, they’re just for kids who want something that looks cool; or, so say the major manufacturers.

Anyway, the purpose of this ultra-secret computer summit was how to wrap up more and more of our lives in our computers. Yes, computers are truly taking over the world, and the computer manufacturers are helping them do so.

The theory is to make our whole lives center around the computer. That’s why so much effort has been put into making the computer an entertainment center, instead of a work center. The first step of the plan was to make everyone do their work on computers, so that they could control our work. That tool control of 1/3 of our lives. The current step is to take over our entertainment.  That’ll take care of the second third of our lives. Then, the final step will be to take over our sleep, giving the computer control of our whole day.

There are still some technological issues to be worked out for sleeping on the computer, but you can see the effects of their alpha testing every day, in workplaces around the world. People sitting in their cubicles and dozing off at work. Here you thought it was boredom, but it’s all part of the plan.

“So,” you ask, “what’s in it for the computer companies? This is a great theory, but where’s the profit?” Aha, that’s the part that’s been kept the most secret. Yes, all this is ultimately about increasing the corporate coffers of the computer corporations. You see, as they take over more and more of our lives, turning us into virtual people, they offer more and more products to lead us gaily skipping along the path to slavery.

Have you noticed how many connections there are on the back of your computer these days? Why, early computers might have had half a dozen, not half a hundred. It’s gotten so crowded back there, that they’re starting to put connections on the front of the computer as well.

There they sit, dozens upon dozens of connections, just looking at you, and challenging you to buy enough toys to fill them all. Yes, that’s what’s going on. They’re trying to get you to buy enough whistles and bells to connect to your compute, so that you never have to leave your chair. Why, I’ve heard that they’re getting ready to start offering soft drink dispensers, right in the computer. That idea was brought about by the super-cooling systems which are now being offered for power users.

Think of it, if you ever do manage to get enough things to fill up all those connections on your computer, you won’t be able to move; you’ll be hemmed into your chair. Especially if you take USB seriously. I mean, really, who needs a connection that can handle 127 devices anyway?

Don’t say you weren’t warned. When you find your life being overcome by the computer, remember what you’ve heard. Rise up! Throw off the encumbrance of the evil computer! Get your life back!