The Conspiracy of the Poopie Diapers

It’s a well known fact that women go to the bathroom together so that they can hold their union meetings. That’s where they plot and plan against men, deciding what they’re going to do to get even. Of course, nobody ever defined what it is that they need to get even for, but women everywhere seem to understand that universal need.

One of the evilest schemes to ever come out of the women’s restroom is the conspiracy of the poopie diapers. Yes, this is one conspiracy theory that’s real. One which was hatched in the ladies room, somewhere between the main course and dessert.

The central theme of this plot is to force husbands everywhere to deal with the most dreaded of toxic substances… the poopie diaper. Men everywhere strive hard to avoid this task, but we’re regularly outfoxes by the wiliness of the female of our species. Their superior cunning and craftiness finds a way to back men into a corner, where they are forced with facing those diapers and what they contain.

Since men aren’t all that comfortable around babies in the first place, it gives women great pleasure to do what they can to increase this sense of discomfort. Their ultimate act, their big gun you might say, is leaving a man alone with a baby, who poops five minutes after she leaves the house. He’s then stuck with changing the diaper, or leaving the baby crying and wallowing in its poop for the next three hours.

The secret to this exercise in revenge is the timing of feeding the baby. Everyone knows that eating triggers a reflex action in the body to eliminate waste. This is the key to making this plot work. By feeding the baby just before leaving, the woman is assured that her husband will be stuck with that dirty diaper, five minutes after she’s out of sight. They probably drive away laughing, checking their watches and doing a countdown until the moment of poop.

Women who are truly skilled in the use of this strategy even plan ahead; feeding the baby foods for two or three meals ahead of time, which are specifically selected to cause diarrhea. That way, the affect of the diaper is even more magnified, along with the urgency of changing it.

Rumors have it that there are even secret formulas which women can buy, which increase the stench coming from the poop and making the task even more odious. Yes, secret web sites, carefully guarded and only accessible to women sell these additives; with the guarantee to turn even the most nose-dead man’s stomach.

“Why,” you might ask, “would women want to do such a thing to their husbands? A very good question. The base motivation is revenge. Have you ever been in the delivery room, when a woman was giving birth to her baby? When women are in the transitional phase of childbirth, they vow to get even with their husbands for getting them pregnant. Well, guess what? Here is the revenge. It’s subtle, but the greatest thing about it is that it’s a revenge that can be exacted over and over again.

So, how does a man get out of changing those poopie diapers? There really is no way. They must accept that women are the craftier gender, who can and will make sure that they face those dreaded poopie diapers.

Got a clothespin anyone?

A Return of the Gladiator Games

The high incidence of violent crime occurring around the world has prompted some to look to history for a solution. A group of historians has noted how the Gladiator games of the Roman Empire were a way for both those who wish to practice violence and those who wish to watch it to have their wishes fulfilled in a legal and relatively safe way.

In reality, those gladiator games were no more violent than today’s action movies. The major differences being the lack of a plot and the removal of the television screen. Allowing the audience to see the action up close and in living color adds a sense of realism that Hollywood just can’t reproduce.

This somewhat drastic move is also seen as a way to eliminate the overcrowding in our prisons. Estimates have been made which state that prison overcrowding could be totally eliminated within one year of the legalization of these new gladiator games.

Finding volunteers for these games should be no problem, as many confined criminals are violent by nature. Prisoners could be given the opportunity of better accommodations, special privileges and even reduced jail sentences for participating in the games. While opponents state that this would put society at risk, backers of the plan counter that it would be no worse than letting these prisoners out early, on bail, a common practice to reduce crowding in our prisons.

The added advantage is that some of these prisoners wouldn’t ever get free, rather dying in the games. That would eliminate the dual problems of their return to society and of paying to house them incarcerated.

Additional volunteers could be solicited from gangs, criminals who have never been captured, drug cartels, terrorists, wife beaters and all others who feel a need to cause others pain and destroy their lives. It is estimated that there are enough lovers of violence in the world to provide participants for the games for a minimum of 50 years.

One should not overlook the potential entertainment value of these gladiator games either. While the Roman’s games were well attended, they didn’t have the advantages of television and the Internet. The advertising revenue alone would probably pay for our entire criminal justice system, freeing up the money we are now spending on it for reduction of the national debt. Truly, this plan provides the opportunity for a financial and cultural awakening in the U.S.

While there are those whose sensibilities might be offended by such stark violence, there are many others who revel in it. The same attitude is being displayed towards opponents, as exists for those who oppose football, the Olympics or any other sport; “if you don’t like it, ignore it.”

Before any active games can be started, there are a number of logistics and safety issues which must be resolved. There is a clear need for rules about what sorts of weapons will be allowed, along with safety measures to be created for protecting the audience. It is recognized that using criminals as contestants creates a safety risk, as the contestants are just as likely to turn their weapons on the spectators as each other. Yet, it is felt that these potential problems can be overcome. 

Old Man Winter’s Vacation Retreat

In case you hadn’t noticed, spring has sprung. We no longer need to concern ourselves with shoveling snow, putting chains on the car’s tires, or bundling ourselves up in 16 layers of clothes. Soon we’ll be out in the backyard, catchin’ some rays.

It’s time for Old Man Winter to go on vacation. I’ve always wondered, where does he go on vacation, anyway? Well, the secret’s out, Old Man Winter has a summer getaway spot, appropriately called “Winter Island.” Yes, this little island, off the Massachusetts seashore is the summer home of Ol’ Winter himself. He goes there to escape the heat and build up his strength for another season of cold winds, piles of snow and even a bit of sleet if he can manage it.

It never made sense to me why Winter’s summer retreat was such a big secret. At least, it didn’t make sense until it became public knowledge. Now, poor old winter can’t even get any peace and quiet in his summer retreat.

There’s a group of sun worshippers who have taken it upon themselves to make the old man stay on his island, even when summer and fall are over. They’re busy lobbying congress for the funds to build a giant dome over the island, in order to trap Winter on his island and keep him from wrecking his annual havoc on homes and highways everywhere. Although environmentalists are concerned about disrupting the balance of nature, this group is touting the opinions of several highly respected scientists in saying that locking up Winter is only a continuation of the natural progression of global warming.

Rumor has it that a splinter group recently invaded the old man’s retreat, armed with heat lamps and radiant heaters. It seems that they were bent on forcing Winter to submit to extensive “heat therapy,” believing this would warm his frozen heart. Nobody knows what happens to that hit team, but they haven’t been seen again.

It is possible that Winter’s charms overcame their hatred of cold, but leading experts on anti-terrorism state that Old Man Winter probably had some fairly sophisticated defense systems in place. If that’s the case, then those poor, misguided souls are probably a series of ice cubes now. We may not see them again, until Winter Island itself thaws out.

In the mean time, reports state that Winter himself is enjoying his retreat. He’s thinking of a quick trip to the Caribbean this summer, just to confuse weathermen everywhere. However, these reports are unconfirmed, so don’t take them too seriously.

There are also reports that Winter has been trying to arrange a summit with Hurricane herself. proposing that they work together for a change. Apparently, Hurricane isn’t all that interested, as she really doesn’t like the cold. We’ll keep you updated on any further developments in these proposed negotiations.

He’s Wrong!

In recently discovered documents from the International Wives Union, a new plan has been discovered to plug a breach in their perceived fault to maintain all husbands in the doghouse. It seems that if a man speaks in the woods, and there are no women around, he isn’t wrong. Yes, that’s true a man can actually be right, if he’s willing to walk out into the woods, all by himself.

Realizing that this affront to their code of conduct is inexcusable, the IWU has launched an extensive study to determine how extensive this breach might be. The concern is that if husbands can actually have the opportunity to speak even five percent of what they say, without being told they are wrong, they might actually get the idea that they could be right at other times. Realizing the inherent danger in this possibility, wives everywhere have united to try and put an end to it.

The three-tier approach which has been adopted, in the case that this potential problem is proven to exist, may see an early elimination to this potential risk.

• Tier 1 has actually been being put into place for many years. This phase of the operation is aimed at infiltrating the military, normally a strong bastion of male-ness. Although many women in the armed forces are single, the IWU is offering them an honorary membership if they are willing to sign on to this strategic initiative.

• Tier 2 is to use whatever means necessary to deny men the opportunity to go out in the woods by themselves. While there are some things that no self-respecting wife would do, there is hope that by whining, nagging, and manipulating, many wives can get their husbands to give up their hunting and fishing trips, the greatest risk time for men to talk without a woman present.

• Tier 3 consists of women volunteers following those men into the woods to temporarily take the place of their wives telling them they are wrong. While it is understood that these women’s scorn wouldn’t have the same impact as being told they are wrong by their own wife, this stop-gap measure is considered superior to the alternative of letting these men think that they are right.

For the long term, the IWU is developing a flying robotic, which is hoped to ensure that men are never afforded this dangerous opportunity. A cloud of these devices, which look like a small flying saucer with a flat screen monitor on it, would fly all over the world, homing in on men’s voices. When they find men speaking, without women present, they would hover nearby to point out those men’s errors. The screen would show a picture of their wife, so that they would know that they were well and truly caught.

While there are a number of technical difficulties, which still need to be overcome, there is high hope for this system. One of the key problems is in identifying the particular man in question, so that the right wife’s photo and voice can be used. So far in testing, an identification patch, appearing like a small band-aid has been placed on the test subject’s backs. Being invisible to the man, he is not likely to remove it.

Wives would have to be supplied with these patches, which they could secretly stick onto their husband’s backs during a hug. While not a perfect solution, it is being used successfully in testing. An improved method, which would require inserting the patch under the man’s skin, is being developed. While scaling down the size isn’t much of an issue; developing a delivery mechanism that wives could use, without their husband’s suspecting, is a major hurdle to be overcome.

A target date for full implementation of this system has not yet been set. Hopes are high that funding for global launch can soon be realized. Testing continues, while the database of women’s faces and voices is built up. Final testing of the miniature anger reactor which powers the robots is expected to be concluded shortly. 

Help! I Can’t Hide!

Ah… the Information Age; what a wonder. In a moment, you can find out anything about anyone; even things you’d rather not know. I mean really, who wants to know some of the things that people post on Facebook? Sometimes, it’s just a bit too much.

Whatever happened to privacy? It seems to have gone by the wayside, somewhere along the way. I mean, when I was growing up, there were things that were just kept private, you know? After all, who needs to know what size sneakers you wear? Unless, of course, they’re about to buy you a pair of new tennis as a gift; but that doesn’t seem to happen every day.

I’ve come to the conclusion that Big Brother is becoming real. Think of it, Facebook could be a one-world government plot to unify the world via the Internet. They’ve already got almost as big a population as the whole western hemisphere; a few more years, and they might even be bigger than China.

Think of what they can do with that information. Knowing your sneaker size could facilitate the job of planting a tracking device in your tennis. All they have to do is know which store you’re going to buy them in, and get there before you. Since you probably posted that you’re heading out to buy some new tennis, they’ve got a head start. Before you know it, every sneaker in that store will have a homing device hiding in the sole.

If that doesn’t work, they can just look up what gym you go to. There’s bound to be a moment, when you’re in the shower, that they can slip that tracking device into your shoes. Of course, if you keep telling people where you are on Facebook, they won’t have to; let’s just call it insurance.

Retailers are mining Facebook posts for information about your buying habits too. Actually, that’s what Facebook was created for. Just think, every time you post something about wanting to buy a widget, there’s a bunch of marketing professionals just salivating at the bell. They can’t wait to trip over one another, to sell you their latest and greatest widget model.

The next step is probably going to be having those marketing professionals jump through your computer monitor and jump up and down on your desk, vying for your attention. With more and more globalization, you could have a multi-racial dance going on, right there on your desktop. Just know that whichever one you pick, the rest of them will scream “RACIAL DISCRIMINATION!” whether it’s warranted or not.

I don’t know. Seems to me that it’s time to find someplace to hide. The all powerful eye in my computer is getting to know me all too well. Why, it might find out something really scary about me, like what color underwear I’m using. I can just see it now, somebody trying to sell me custom made underwear, made to fit my profile preferences. And I don’t even remember putting that on my profile. 

Education Reform?

A leading Washing think-tank just released a startling report on eliminating waste in our educational system. This report, which marks the conclusion of a year-long study at the cost of who knows how much taxpayer money, defines a new educational approach for America’s children. The panel of researchers who collaborated on it looked at everything from dropout rates, to teen pregnancy, to the effect of social media on education.

Their final result, published in a 1,001 page long document, suggests eliminating education entirely. It is interesting to note that the report suprasses that 1,000 page threshold, which is the new gold standard here in Washington. Any report that long is considered to be true and accurate, no matter who wrote it or what they say.

While educators and politicians nationwide are stunned by this amazing conclusion, there are a small group of brave souls who are cautiously getting on board with the results, saying that they’d seen the country going in this direction for many years.

Backing up the conclusion is the failure of our current educational system to properly prepare the youth of America for the workforce. While they authors recognize that there are many contributing factors to this, they hang their hat on the fact that education isn’t as fun as video games. Therefore, they state, eliminating education, so that our youth can concentrate on their video games is a sound practice, preparing them to be successful at something in life.

To make this plan work, they propose shifting the burden to employers; not in educating the employee, but rather in changing the workplace to more closely match the video games. That would make work as fun as education, and surely attract the talents of the best and brightest.

This new plan should eliminate both in school and in place boredom; helping to engage both students and worker more thoroughly in their occupations. Several additional benefits have been noted, namely a lower absentee rate, less likelihood for workplace theft and eliminating problems with getting people to work overtime.

A sidebar to the report notes the need to keep a few schools open, for the purpose of training those few people who want a real education, so that they can enter boring occupations, such as medicine, law, engineering and accounting. It is anticipated that there will be very few student who voluntarily opt for continuing their traditional, boring education.

The new study is currently being analyzed by the department of education. Should it be adopted, it could cost the jobs of many millions of teachers, nationwide. However, the reduction in government spending on education would allow welfare to support those out of work teachers.

The Computer Wars

I can remember back to the beginning of the computer wars. I was young then, new to computers myself. Before the first personal computers hit the market, all I’d ever seen were the monsters in corporate IT departments. No one could get close to those giant brains back then; we’d have to communicate with the computers through a little altar, called the teletype.

There were more contenders back then, than what there are now. Many of them have fallen by the wayside, defeated in the struggle for dominancy of the world. They made their bid for supremacy, but just didn’t have what it takes to rule. It’s been a brutal war, one in which only the most popular can survive.

The first contender I met was the TRS-80, Model 1. It really wasn’t all that impressive looking, even by the standards back then. Why, it looked more like a toy than a true computer. Forget about fancy graphics, enormous hard drives and neon lights; it was plain and simple, chugging along with its white on black text and a tape recorder for its permanent memory. Why, nobody had ever heard of megabytes back then, let along gigabytes or terabytes, we were impressed to see 64 kilobytes.

What a strange twist on Darwinism; it hasn’t been about survival of the fittest, but survival of the most popular. Some would say (and do so loudly) that the fittest hasn’t been the survivor. No, this war has always been about market share; who could garner the most attention. Some of the brave who have fallen just couldn’t get the attention they so richly deserved.

Ever since the beginning, the PC had an advantage, which they capitalized on, having the great and glorious name of IBM to use. Since everyone know that nobody knows more about computers than the computer giant themselves, that made the giant’s little brother a shoe-in for fame; the PC was just an IBM mainframe in a little box. Think of all that raw computing power, sitting there on your desktop, just waiting for you to use it… Not!

While all other contenders have died from lack of attention, there’s one contender who’s just too stubborn to give up the ghost… the Apple. Through all the years of hardship and struggle, Apple’s held on, supported by a meager band of loyal supporters. Never minding that their platform had lost the race, these die-hards still shout loudly, “Apple is King! Apple is King! Long live Apple!”

It’s sad, but true. Victory will never be truly gained for the PC, because Apple still holds on and will still keep holding on, maintaining a small beachhead of superior graphics, no matter what the PCs do.

This war is changing; and it’s changing because of Apple. The PC mega-army is still fighting a conventional war, a war of marketing; but not Apple. No, they’ve switched their tactics, replacing conventional warfare with guerrilla warfare. Since they can’t go head to head with PCs on the field of public opinion, they’ve concocted an end run; in fact, they’ve concocted several end runs.

First there was the iPod, innocent looking in this war, since nobody thought of it as a computer. True strategist knows, wars are won by logistics, so the iPod was backed up by its logistics train; iTunes. When iTunes invades a PC, it takes over all media, converting it to something that the PC can’t understand, without iTunes installed. This gives them a permanent beachhead to use against the PC.

Then there was the iPhone, another soldier in Apple’s guerilla war. People stopped carrying their Pocket PCs and laptops, depending on their iPhone to take care of them. Once again, remembering the lessons of logistics, Apple provided the iPhone with a logistics train; the app store.

The latest blow in this saga of guerilla war is the iPad. Building upon their successes with touch screen technology, Apple hit the left flank of the PC army with a totally unsuspecting attack, a replacement for the laptop. This was a particularly fortunate choice for Apple, as the PC crowd had been gradually shifting over to the lighter, more agile laptop. By attacking the laptop, Apple was attacking the best of the best of PC’s army and dealing it a killer blow.

Even IT professionals have fallen to this latest blow. Many are using their iPads to access mainframes, provide customer support and other tasks which were previously firmly in the grasp of the PC. This end run may have been the greatest strategic victory in the history of computer warfare, dealing a heavy blow right to the heart of PC standings.

Who knows where the war will go from here? It’s clear to see that it’s far from over. The prodigious might of the PC army is a hard foe to defeat. Yet, Apple has shown that innovation in warfare will always succeed. We can only say, may the best man… err, computer… uh, win.

The Computer Equipment Challenge

Have you noticed how computers are getting more and more connections on them? Maybe if you’re relatively new to the world of computers, you haven’t. But, for those who have been using PCs since the beginning of time, there’s a definite difference between those early dinosaurs and their modern cousins. Not only do we have color monitors and fancy accessories, but the computer companies are conspiring to get us to buy more of them.

Yes, for those who are into conspiracy theories, this is a true one. It’s not the government this time, nor is it some secret society it’s big business that’s conspiring against you and me. Yes, the major computer manufacturers have gotten together in a secret meeting and decided how to get into our collective pocket.

Of course, this meeting was so secret that they kept Apple out of it. The rest of the computer community has never accepted Apple as a true member anyway, with their different operating system and their trendy styles. No, Apple’s aren’t real computers, they’re just for kids who want something that looks cool; or, so say the major manufacturers.

Anyway, the purpose of this ultra-secret computer summit was how to wrap up more and more of our lives in our computers. Yes, computers are truly taking over the world, and the computer manufacturers are helping them do so.

The theory is to make our whole lives center around the computer. That’s why so much effort has been put into making the computer an entertainment center, instead of a work center. The first step of the plan was to make everyone do their work on computers, so that they could control our work. That tool control of 1/3 of our lives. The current step is to take over our entertainment.  That’ll take care of the second third of our lives. Then, the final step will be to take over our sleep, giving the computer control of our whole day.

There are still some technological issues to be worked out for sleeping on the computer, but you can see the effects of their alpha testing every day, in workplaces around the world. People sitting in their cubicles and dozing off at work. Here you thought it was boredom, but it’s all part of the plan.

“So,” you ask, “what’s in it for the computer companies? This is a great theory, but where’s the profit?” Aha, that’s the part that’s been kept the most secret. Yes, all this is ultimately about increasing the corporate coffers of the computer corporations. You see, as they take over more and more of our lives, turning us into virtual people, they offer more and more products to lead us gaily skipping along the path to slavery.

Have you noticed how many connections there are on the back of your computer these days? Why, early computers might have had half a dozen, not half a hundred. It’s gotten so crowded back there, that they’re starting to put connections on the front of the computer as well.

There they sit, dozens upon dozens of connections, just looking at you, and challenging you to buy enough toys to fill them all. Yes, that’s what’s going on. They’re trying to get you to buy enough whistles and bells to connect to your compute, so that you never have to leave your chair. Why, I’ve heard that they’re getting ready to start offering soft drink dispensers, right in the computer. That idea was brought about by the super-cooling systems which are now being offered for power users.

Think of it, if you ever do manage to get enough things to fill up all those connections on your computer, you won’t be able to move; you’ll be hemmed into your chair. Especially if you take USB seriously. I mean, really, who needs a connection that can handle 127 devices anyway?

Don’t say you weren’t warned. When you find your life being overcome by the computer, remember what you’ve heard. Rise up! Throw off the encumbrance of the evil computer! Get your life back!

Can’t Keep up with Those Software Updates

Computer prices have dropped tremendously. Why, the computing power you can get in an el-cheapo today would have meant buying a mainframe computer a couple of decades ago. Then, you’d probably have to hire your own programmer to do what the average home computer can do today. Not only are you getting more for your buck, but you’re having to use less bucks to do it.

While computer prices have dropped, software hasn’t. A software update today, to upgrade your favorite program to version 18.3 costs as much as it did when you upgraded it to version 2.1, oh so many years ago. That’s a bit if a win though, considering that everything else has gone up.

The software manufacturers have obviously learned a lesson from Henry Ford and his corporate cousins. That is, they’ve learned the lesson of the model year upgrade. By upgrading their software, they can make sure that most everyone has to buy their product over and over again. It’s pretty sneaky, if you ask me. I mean isn’t a word processing program a word processing program? What is there to upgrade?

But, if you don’t upgrade, then your software won’t work on your new computer, which of course has a new operating system. Since the old software and the new operating system don’t speak the same language, the software crashes and you can’t do anything. Of course, I really think that they could talk to each other, at least in development, until the programmers added an intentional glitch to keep them from talking to one another. That’s something else they learned from the auto makers, it’s called planned obsolescence.

Planned obsolescence shows its ugly head in another manner as well. Every once in a while, one of these great software houses makes a change to their file format. Now, all the files you have carefully preserved for the last umpteen years are no longer valid. Your new program doesn’t want to read the old files, and of course you don’t have the old program anymore, because it’s been replaced by the new one. Oops!

Yeah, well, they usually create a patch for that, which allows your new version to read the old version’s files, but that doesn’t guarantee that it’ll read them correctly. It could just as easily turn the file upside down and backwards, flatten the layers, take out the attributes and change the language to Kurdish.

Thanks, software houses, for making our lives so interesting. Truly, the cost of the new computer was nothing, compared to the cost of all your updates.

Oh, and just because you bought the update, doesn’t mean that you’re out of the woods. The next bigger and better version is right around the corner. In fact, it might come out at any moment; say, as soon as you install the new one you bought.