He’s Wrong!

In recently discovered documents from the International Wives Union, a new plan has been discovered to plug a breach in their perceived fault to maintain all husbands in the doghouse. It seems that if a man speaks in the woods, and there are no women around, he isn’t wrong. Yes, that’s true a man can actually be right, if he’s willing to walk out into the woods, all by himself.

Realizing that this affront to their code of conduct is inexcusable, the IWU has launched an extensive study to determine how extensive this breach might be. The concern is that if husbands can actually have the opportunity to speak even five percent of what they say, without being told they are wrong, they might actually get the idea that they could be right at other times. Realizing the inherent danger in this possibility, wives everywhere have united to try and put an end to it.

The three-tier approach which has been adopted, in the case that this potential problem is proven to exist, may see an early elimination to this potential risk.

• Tier 1 has actually been being put into place for many years. This phase of the operation is aimed at infiltrating the military, normally a strong bastion of male-ness. Although many women in the armed forces are single, the IWU is offering them an honorary membership if they are willing to sign on to this strategic initiative.

• Tier 2 is to use whatever means necessary to deny men the opportunity to go out in the woods by themselves. While there are some things that no self-respecting wife would do, there is hope that by whining, nagging, and manipulating, many wives can get their husbands to give up their hunting and fishing trips, the greatest risk time for men to talk without a woman present.

• Tier 3 consists of women volunteers following those men into the woods to temporarily take the place of their wives telling them they are wrong. While it is understood that these women’s scorn wouldn’t have the same impact as being told they are wrong by their own wife, this stop-gap measure is considered superior to the alternative of letting these men think that they are right.

For the long term, the IWU is developing a flying robotic, which is hoped to ensure that men are never afforded this dangerous opportunity. A cloud of these devices, which look like a small flying saucer with a flat screen monitor on it, would fly all over the world, homing in on men’s voices. When they find men speaking, without women present, they would hover nearby to point out those men’s errors. The screen would show a picture of their wife, so that they would know that they were well and truly caught.

While there are a number of technical difficulties, which still need to be overcome, there is high hope for this system. One of the key problems is in identifying the particular man in question, so that the right wife’s photo and voice can be used. So far in testing, an identification patch, appearing like a small band-aid has been placed on the test subject’s backs. Being invisible to the man, he is not likely to remove it.

Wives would have to be supplied with these patches, which they could secretly stick onto their husband’s backs during a hug. While not a perfect solution, it is being used successfully in testing. An improved method, which would require inserting the patch under the man’s skin, is being developed. While scaling down the size isn’t much of an issue; developing a delivery mechanism that wives could use, without their husband’s suspecting, is a major hurdle to be overcome.

A target date for full implementation of this system has not yet been set. Hopes are high that funding for global launch can soon be realized. Testing continues, while the database of women’s faces and voices is built up. Final testing of the miniature anger reactor which powers the robots is expected to be concluded shortly.