Old Man Winter’s Vacation Retreat

In case you hadn’t noticed, spring has sprung. We no longer need to concern ourselves with shoveling snow, putting chains on the car’s tires, or bundling ourselves up in 16 layers of clothes. Soon we’ll be out in the backyard, catchin’ some rays.

It’s time for Old Man Winter to go on vacation. I’ve always wondered, where does he go on vacation, anyway? Well, the secret’s out, Old Man Winter has a summer getaway spot, appropriately called “Winter Island.” Yes, this little island, off the Massachusetts seashore is the summer home of Ol’ Winter himself. He goes there to escape the heat and build up his strength for another season of cold winds, piles of snow and even a bit of sleet if he can manage it.

It never made sense to me why Winter’s summer retreat was such a big secret. At least, it didn’t make sense until it became public knowledge. Now, poor old winter can’t even get any peace and quiet in his summer retreat.

There’s a group of sun worshippers who have taken it upon themselves to make the old man stay on his island, even when summer and fall are over. They’re busy lobbying congress for the funds to build a giant dome over the island, in order to trap Winter on his island and keep him from wrecking his annual havoc on homes and highways everywhere. Although environmentalists are concerned about disrupting the balance of nature, this group is touting the opinions of several highly respected scientists in saying that locking up Winter is only a continuation of the natural progression of global warming.

Rumor has it that a splinter group recently invaded the old man’s retreat, armed with heat lamps and radiant heaters. It seems that they were bent on forcing Winter to submit to extensive “heat therapy,” believing this would warm his frozen heart. Nobody knows what happens to that hit team, but they haven’t been seen again.

It is possible that Winter’s charms overcame their hatred of cold, but leading experts on anti-terrorism state that Old Man Winter probably had some fairly sophisticated defense systems in place. If that’s the case, then those poor, misguided souls are probably a series of ice cubes now. We may not see them again, until Winter Island itself thaws out.

In the mean time, reports state that Winter himself is enjoying his retreat. He’s thinking of a quick trip to the Caribbean this summer, just to confuse weathermen everywhere. However, these reports are unconfirmed, so don’t take them too seriously.

There are also reports that Winter has been trying to arrange a summit with Hurricane herself. proposing that they work together for a change. Apparently, Hurricane isn’t all that interested, as she really doesn’t like the cold. We’ll keep you updated on any further developments in these proposed negotiations.