The Coffee Wars

A little known and poorly understood factoid about the American Revolution has to do with the consumption of America’s favorite hot beverage, coffee. While most people and all the history books talk about taxation without representation being the cause of the revolution, those in the know realize that it was Brittan’s anger over America’s choice of coffee over tea which caused the uprising.

One merely needs to examine the evidence to realize the truth of this. Why bother making the world’s largest cup of tea (which still hasn’t made it into the Guinness Book of World Records. Instead, Guinness says that a measly cup of tea only 10 feet high and 8 feet wide that was made in Sri Lanka holds the record. Where was I? Oh, yeah, why bother making the world’s largest cup of tea, taking the whole Boston harbor to do so, if the war wasn’t about tea?

American’s were drinking coffee by the barrel full and England was enraged. They sent that boat full of tea over to try and force it down the Colonists collective throats, yet couldn’t do it. Instead of drinking that tea, rebels from Indiana shipped it back home. Unfortunately, the tea didn’t make it, drowning in the harbor.

As we all know, that event really set the British off. The crown couldn’t stand having their precious tea sent packing. So, they packed up their redcoats and decided to give those uncouth barbarians in the colonies a spanking. Only, it’s hard to spank soldiers who hide in the woods. How unmanly of them, not standing up in a fair fight, on the field of honor. Why, the Brits even brought their fancy red coats with them, just to look good on the battlefield.

Well, as we all know, coffee won that fight. The extra caffeine helped Washington stay awake at night, thinking of ways to foil the British strategy. Even today, the fuel of Washington is coffee; drunk by the gallon, in offices and conference rooms all over the nation’s capital.

The true evidence of the win is Starbucks. How many tea house chains have you seen spring up in the good old U.S. of A? No, if America hadn’t won its independence in the first coffee war, we’d all be drinking tea latte. Who ever heard of a tea mocha or a caramel machiado tea anyway?

Many think that the coffee wars are over, but that’s far from the truth. The wars have merely moved underground. The coffee terrorist organization, Starbucks, is carrying the war to the farthest corners of the globe, attacking tea strongholds with their lattes and frappes and other coffee based drinks. It could get ugly before it’s done, but I think that coffee will eventually win out. Take that your highness!