Wednesday, March 28, 2012

The New One Armed Bandit


You’re probably not aware of it, but the ATM machine has replaced the slot machine as the number one gambling device of choice. That’s right, when you slip that check or stack of cash into the mouth of that machine, you’re pulling the lever, hoping it comes up all cherries. If not, your money goes into the deep dark hole of nowhere. It never makes it to your account, nor does it make it anywhere else either.

It seems that there are black holes located under each and every ATM machine. This truly incredible invention has never been properly exploited, only used to make sure that your bank deposit never reaches your account. Yet somehow, somewhere, somebody has actually invented a way of making black holes wherever they want.

This technology obviously started with washing machines. Everyone knows that washing machines eat socks. That’s why there are so many single socks in the world, who have lost their mate. It isn’t that the washing machine eats the socks, but that it randomly ejects one into the black hole every now and then.

Just think of the applications of this wonderful new technology. We could eliminate the problems of waste disposal and pollution overnight. Instead of applying it to measly loss of socks and bank deposits, black hole centers could be used in place of landfills. Radioactive waste? No problem! Just put it into the black hole as well. Toxic chemicals? The black hole doesn’t mind, it’s a totally unprejudiced consumer. Regardless of the material, it can make it go away forever.

Of course, there are some problems with making black holes available to the public. We probably couldn’t install them in houses for that reason. Somebody would be bound to stuff their spouse in one, in the midst of an argument. That wouldn’t do. We’d probably find them getting plugged up with mothers-in-laws as well.

Police protection of these black holes would clearly be required. Otherwise, every criminal in the world would use them for elimination of evidence. Nevertheless, with proper protection and supervision, the black hole could be of great benefit to society. Much better than stealing socks and bank deposits.

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