What to do with that Overly Talkative Person

Everyone knows one, that person who you get on the phone, and they never seem to stop talking. Even worse, they never really say anything, although they use an awfully lot of words to do so. Their greatest skill in life seems to be taking up your time, listening to them talk about the minute details of their battles with the hairdresser.

Oh, if we could just find a way to get rid of that person… well, not really get rid of them, but an easy way to get away from them when we need to. I mean, don’t they realize that other people are busy? Where do they find the time to spend hours on the phone, saying absolutely nothing of value?

Of course, you could just insult them enough that they leave you alone; that would solve the problem. But, somehow it always seems that these people are people who we need in our lives for one reason or another. Breaking off the relationship with them could have some dire consequences, which of course is why we put up with them in the first place.

Never fear, there is a solution, and you don’t even have to go to jail for killing them. Modern computer technology is being applied to this frustrating problem even as we speak. Scientists in a hidden lab in the middle of nowhere are applying voice recognition software to this baffling problem. Their goal is to develop a computerized response system to be used with these people, freeing your time for more important activities.

The secret to making this work is to recognize pauses in their speech. Granted, there may not be many of them, but those few that exist are there for a purpose, so that the talked can ensure that the listener (that’s you) is still on the line. In those few brief moments, they are expecting to hear you say something, anything, just to verify that you are still alive. This is where our secret scientists come in.

The program they are developing will analyze that talkative person’s speech patterns, looking for likely places where a response might be expected. It will then automatically provide an appropriate sounding response, to fill in that moment of silence, making it seem as if you were still listening.

What makes the system so effective is that it uses your own voice to answer. When setting the system up, the user is directed to pre-record a series of short responses, which the program will use. Simple things like “uh huh, “and then what,” “really,” “well, I don’t know” and “that’s absurd” top the list of common phrases which the program stores in its memory, ready to use at the appropriate moment.

Think of the time savings this revolutionary device could make for your life. When aunt Suzie, brother Charles or your nemesis from High School call, all you have to do is switch on the program, and go on with whatever you were doing. They’ll never be the wiser.