Old Man Winter’s Vacation Retreat

In case you hadn’t noticed, spring has sprung. We no longer need to concern ourselves with shoveling snow, putting chains on the car’s tires, or bundling ourselves up in 16 layers of clothes. Soon we’ll be out in the backyard, catchin’ some rays.

It’s time for Old Man Winter to go on vacation. I’ve always wondered, where does he go on vacation, anyway? Well, the secret’s out, Old Man Winter has a summer getaway spot, appropriately called “Winter Island.” Yes, this little island, off the Massachusetts seashore is the summer home of Ol’ Winter himself. He goes there to escape the heat and build up his strength for another season of cold winds, piles of snow and even a bit of sleet if he can manage it.

It never made sense to me why Winter’s summer retreat was such a big secret. At least, it didn’t make sense until it became public knowledge. Now, poor old winter can’t even get any peace and quiet in his summer retreat.

There’s a group of sun worshippers who have taken it upon themselves to make the old man stay on his island, even when summer and fall are over. They’re busy lobbying congress for the funds to build a giant dome over the island, in order to trap Winter on his island and keep him from wrecking his annual havoc on homes and highways everywhere. Although environmentalists are concerned about disrupting the balance of nature, this group is touting the opinions of several highly respected scientists in saying that locking up Winter is only a continuation of the natural progression of global warming.

Rumor has it that a splinter group recently invaded the old man’s retreat, armed with heat lamps and radiant heaters. It seems that they were bent on forcing Winter to submit to extensive “heat therapy,” believing this would warm his frozen heart. Nobody knows what happens to that hit team, but they haven’t been seen again.

It is possible that Winter’s charms overcame their hatred of cold, but leading experts on anti-terrorism state that Old Man Winter probably had some fairly sophisticated defense systems in place. If that’s the case, then those poor, misguided souls are probably a series of ice cubes now. We may not see them again, until Winter Island itself thaws out.

In the mean time, reports state that Winter himself is enjoying his retreat. He’s thinking of a quick trip to the Caribbean this summer, just to confuse weathermen everywhere. However, these reports are unconfirmed, so don’t take them too seriously.

There are also reports that Winter has been trying to arrange a summit with Hurricane herself. proposing that they work together for a change. Apparently, Hurricane isn’t all that interested, as she really doesn’t like the cold. We’ll keep you updated on any further developments in these proposed negotiations.

The Not-so-New Election Machine

I don’t know about you, but I get really tired of all the bickering, name calling and slandering that’s a part of modern politics. Maybe some people like that, but I think it demeans the candidates and demeans the people who have to listen to it. I mean, haven’t we grown past the age where we’re saying “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names will never hurt me.” C’mon, we’re supposed to be adults; at least I think we are.

It goes far beyond the candidates too. The news media loves to get their two cents worth in (actually, more like 22,000 cents) and the average person out there does as well. Just look at Facebook any day of the week, it’s full of people spouting off their party’s line.

Once upon a time, such things were decided upon the field of battle. Kingly dynasties started because the first king in the line was a better warrior than any other. He beat his competition fair and square, without any name calling, mudslinging or lies. You might be able to lie on camera, but you sure can’t get away with it when you’ve got a sword in your hand. Then, it’s either put up or shut up.

Could you imagine the 2008 presidential elections if we went back to that. “In this ring, we’ve got Barak Obama, young, fit and full of energy, ready to do battle with his Republican rival; and in this corner, we’ve got John McCain, old, feeble and having a little trouble holding up his sword. Nevertheless, he’s ready to do battle with this young, liberal upstart.”

I’ll have to say, Obama would have had a definite advantage in that battle. With his youth and all, everyone would be betting on him. Maybe McCain would have been better off sending in Sarah Palin to do battle; at least she was a hunter. But then, he kind of did that, and it didn’t work out too well.

Of course, being a liberal, Obama would have had to overcome his own prejudices to do battle. After all, he’s in favor of gun control. I wonder if he’d be in favor of sword control as well. Now, that’s an interesting question, were the liberals in the middle ages trying to push for sword control? Hmm, well, that’s a question for another day.

I’m not sure how that battle would have come out. To win, Obama would have had to go against his principles. But, then again, he’s a politician; don’t they do that all the time?

If nothing else, I can see two main advantages of this system. First of all, it would be over quickly. I really can’t see any of them enduring an eight month sword fight, even if they only fought for five minute per day. Secondly, it would be much more entertaining to watch, than the political battles we have today. Maybe the TV ratings for these political debates would go up.

Bigger is Better

We’ve all heard at one time or another that bigger is better. It’s like it’s been taught to us from the time we were babies. The kid that gets the biggest Christmas present brags about its size. People who buy the biggest houses like to brag about the number of bedrooms, or bathrooms it has. We even brag about who’s got the biggest… well, never mind.

For decades, Detroit was on the bandwagon, helping people brag about having the biggest car. Many of those land yachts wouldn’t even fit in the average parking lot of today, let alone being able to walk around it in the garage. But then, something happened to the automotive industry, making those highway cruisers unpopular… gas prices started to rise.

Yes, it’s true, the rise in gas prices is really a conspiracy to get us out of big cars and into little ones. It really has nothing to do with fuel shortages at all, it’s just a marketing scheme.

Nobody’s sure where that scheme started, although Japan is strongly suspect. After all, they’re the ones who wanted to sell small cars here in the U.S., not Detroit. In fact, when the rumors of gas shortages first drove gas prices up, there wasn’t a single American made small car on the market. What Detroit called small was bigger than a Japanese limousine.

That must have been one of the most effective urban myth based marketing campaigns in history. Why, it even beats out the one about people stealing kidneys from unwary travelers. Yes sir, Detroit even bought into it, shrinking their car sizes. The “full-size” cars of today would have barely squeaked by as mid-size back in the 60s.

Of course, this has created one of the greatest marketing dilemmas to strike Detroit, since Henry made his first Model T. How can you reconcile small cars with “bigger is better;” it just doesn’t work. Granted, bigger is a relative term, so it doesn’t take much to be bigger than a Smart Car. But still, making a mid-sized car out to be big is a bit of a stretch. You just can’t impress your friends and neighbors with a car that can be taken in at a glance; it requires something big enough to make them have to turn their heads.

A number of solutions to this problem have been researched; everything from bolt-on accessories to permanently attached trailers; but none of them seem to work. At least, none have worked till now. There’s a new prototype on the horizon, which just might bring the idea of big cars back.

The “puffercar” as it’s called by the engineering team working on the project, was inspired by the infamous puffer fish. As you already know, the puffer fish inflates itself with water when sensing danger, making itself look much bigger than it really is. By connecting this idea to air-bag technology, engineers have created a car which puffs-up, just like the puffer fish. When you need to impress your friends and neighbors, just push a button, which is conveniently located on the steering wheel, and your typical mid-sized car suddenly looks as big as those land yachts of yesteryear. Then, when you need to park it, another touch of a button brings it back to its original size.

This technological breakthrough could revolutionize the automotive industry, bringing back the old saying of “bigger is better.” No longer would Detroit’s designers have to rack their brains trying to figure out how to make small look big. They could make big into small or small into big, at the touch of a button.

The New One Armed Bandit

You’re probably not aware of it, but the ATM machine has replaced the slot machine as the number one gambling device of choice. That’s right, when you slip that check or stack of cash into the mouth of that machine, you’re pulling the lever, hoping it comes up all cherries. If not, your money goes into the deep dark hole of nowhere. It never makes it to your account, nor does it make it anywhere else either.

It seems that there are black holes located under each and every ATM machine. This truly incredible invention has never been properly exploited, only used to make sure that your bank deposit never reaches your account. Yet somehow, somewhere, somebody has actually invented a way of making black holes wherever they want.

This technology obviously started with washing machines. Everyone knows that washing machines eat socks. That’s why there are so many single socks in the world, who have lost their mate. It isn’t that the washing machine eats the socks, but that it randomly ejects one into the black hole every now and then.

Just think of the applications of this wonderful new technology. We could eliminate the problems of waste disposal and pollution overnight. Instead of applying it to measly loss of socks and bank deposits, black hole centers could be used in place of landfills. Radioactive waste? No problem! Just put it into the black hole as well. Toxic chemicals? The black hole doesn’t mind, it’s a totally unprejudiced consumer. Regardless of the material, it can make it go away forever.

Of course, there are some problems with making black holes available to the public. We probably couldn’t install them in houses for that reason. Somebody would be bound to stuff their spouse in one, in the midst of an argument. That wouldn’t do. We’d probably find them getting plugged up with mothers-in-laws as well.

Police protection of these black holes would clearly be required. Otherwise, every criminal in the world would use them for elimination of evidence. Nevertheless, with proper protection and supervision, the black hole could be of great benefit to society. Much better than stealing socks and bank deposits.

The Coffee Wars

A little known and poorly understood factoid about the American Revolution has to do with the consumption of America’s favorite hot beverage, coffee. While most people and all the history books talk about taxation without representation being the cause of the revolution, those in the know realize that it was Brittan’s anger over America’s choice of coffee over tea which caused the uprising.

One merely needs to examine the evidence to realize the truth of this. Why bother making the world’s largest cup of tea (which still hasn’t made it into the Guinness Book of World Records. Instead, Guinness says that a measly cup of tea only 10 feet high and 8 feet wide that was made in Sri Lanka holds the record. Where was I? Oh, yeah, why bother making the world’s largest cup of tea, taking the whole Boston harbor to do so, if the war wasn’t about tea?

American’s were drinking coffee by the barrel full and England was enraged. They sent that boat full of tea over to try and force it down the Colonists collective throats, yet couldn’t do it. Instead of drinking that tea, rebels from Indiana shipped it back home. Unfortunately, the tea didn’t make it, drowning in the harbor.

As we all know, that event really set the British off. The crown couldn’t stand having their precious tea sent packing. So, they packed up their redcoats and decided to give those uncouth barbarians in the colonies a spanking. Only, it’s hard to spank soldiers who hide in the woods. How unmanly of them, not standing up in a fair fight, on the field of honor. Why, the Brits even brought their fancy red coats with them, just to look good on the battlefield.

Well, as we all know, coffee won that fight. The extra caffeine helped Washington stay awake at night, thinking of ways to foil the British strategy. Even today, the fuel of Washington is coffee; drunk by the gallon, in offices and conference rooms all over the nation’s capital.

The true evidence of the win is Starbucks. How many tea house chains have you seen spring up in the good old U.S. of A? No, if America hadn’t won its independence in the first coffee war, we’d all be drinking tea latte. Who ever heard of a tea mocha or a caramel machiado tea anyway?

Many think that the coffee wars are over, but that’s far from the truth. The wars have merely moved underground. The coffee terrorist organization, Starbucks, is carrying the war to the farthest corners of the globe, attacking tea strongholds with their lattes and frappes and other coffee based drinks. It could get ugly before it’s done, but I think that coffee will eventually win out. Take that your highness! 

He’s Wrong!

In recently discovered documents from the International Wives Union, a new plan has been discovered to plug a breach in their perceived fault to maintain all husbands in the doghouse. It seems that if a man speaks in the woods, and there are no women around, he isn’t wrong. Yes, that’s true a man can actually be right, if he’s willing to walk out into the woods, all by himself.

Realizing that this affront to their code of conduct is inexcusable, the IWU has launched an extensive study to determine how extensive this breach might be. The concern is that if husbands can actually have the opportunity to speak even five percent of what they say, without being told they are wrong, they might actually get the idea that they could be right at other times. Realizing the inherent danger in this possibility, wives everywhere have united to try and put an end to it.

The three-tier approach which has been adopted, in the case that this potential problem is proven to exist, may see an early elimination to this potential risk.

• Tier 1 has actually been being put into place for many years. This phase of the operation is aimed at infiltrating the military, normally a strong bastion of male-ness. Although many women in the armed forces are single, the IWU is offering them an honorary membership if they are willing to sign on to this strategic initiative.

• Tier 2 is to use whatever means necessary to deny men the opportunity to go out in the woods by themselves. While there are some things that no self-respecting wife would do, there is hope that by whining, nagging, and manipulating, many wives can get their husbands to give up their hunting and fishing trips, the greatest risk time for men to talk without a woman present.

• Tier 3 consists of women volunteers following those men into the woods to temporarily take the place of their wives telling them they are wrong. While it is understood that these women’s scorn wouldn’t have the same impact as being told they are wrong by their own wife, this stop-gap measure is considered superior to the alternative of letting these men think that they are right.

For the long term, the IWU is developing a flying robotic, which is hoped to ensure that men are never afforded this dangerous opportunity. A cloud of these devices, which look like a small flying saucer with a flat screen monitor on it, would fly all over the world, homing in on men’s voices. When they find men speaking, without women present, they would hover nearby to point out those men’s errors. The screen would show a picture of their wife, so that they would know that they were well and truly caught.

While there are a number of technical difficulties, which still need to be overcome, there is high hope for this system. One of the key problems is in identifying the particular man in question, so that the right wife’s photo and voice can be used. So far in testing, an identification patch, appearing like a small band-aid has been placed on the test subject’s backs. Being invisible to the man, he is not likely to remove it.

Wives would have to be supplied with these patches, which they could secretly stick onto their husband’s backs during a hug. While not a perfect solution, it is being used successfully in testing. An improved method, which would require inserting the patch under the man’s skin, is being developed. While scaling down the size isn’t much of an issue; developing a delivery mechanism that wives could use, without their husband’s suspecting, is a major hurdle to be overcome.

A target date for full implementation of this system has not yet been set. Hopes are high that funding for global launch can soon be realized. Testing continues, while the database of women’s faces and voices is built up. Final testing of the miniature anger reactor which powers the robots is expected to be concluded shortly. 

Help! I Can’t Hide!

Ah… the Information Age; what a wonder. In a moment, you can find out anything about anyone; even things you’d rather not know. I mean really, who wants to know some of the things that people post on Facebook? Sometimes, it’s just a bit too much.

Whatever happened to privacy? It seems to have gone by the wayside, somewhere along the way. I mean, when I was growing up, there were things that were just kept private, you know? After all, who needs to know what size sneakers you wear? Unless, of course, they’re about to buy you a pair of new tennis as a gift; but that doesn’t seem to happen every day.

I’ve come to the conclusion that Big Brother is becoming real. Think of it, Facebook could be a one-world government plot to unify the world via the Internet. They’ve already got almost as big a population as the whole western hemisphere; a few more years, and they might even be bigger than China.

Think of what they can do with that information. Knowing your sneaker size could facilitate the job of planting a tracking device in your tennis. All they have to do is know which store you’re going to buy them in, and get there before you. Since you probably posted that you’re heading out to buy some new tennis, they’ve got a head start. Before you know it, every sneaker in that store will have a homing device hiding in the sole.

If that doesn’t work, they can just look up what gym you go to. There’s bound to be a moment, when you’re in the shower, that they can slip that tracking device into your shoes. Of course, if you keep telling people where you are on Facebook, they won’t have to; let’s just call it insurance.

Retailers are mining Facebook posts for information about your buying habits too. Actually, that’s what Facebook was created for. Just think, every time you post something about wanting to buy a widget, there’s a bunch of marketing professionals just salivating at the bell. They can’t wait to trip over one another, to sell you their latest and greatest widget model.

The next step is probably going to be having those marketing professionals jump through your computer monitor and jump up and down on your desk, vying for your attention. With more and more globalization, you could have a multi-racial dance going on, right there on your desktop. Just know that whichever one you pick, the rest of them will scream “RACIAL DISCRIMINATION!” whether it’s warranted or not.

I don’t know. Seems to me that it’s time to find someplace to hide. The all powerful eye in my computer is getting to know me all too well. Why, it might find out something really scary about me, like what color underwear I’m using. I can just see it now, somebody trying to sell me custom made underwear, made to fit my profile preferences. And I don’t even remember putting that on my profile. 

Education Reform?

A leading Washing think-tank just released a startling report on eliminating waste in our educational system. This report, which marks the conclusion of a year-long study at the cost of who knows how much taxpayer money, defines a new educational approach for America’s children. The panel of researchers who collaborated on it looked at everything from dropout rates, to teen pregnancy, to the effect of social media on education.

Their final result, published in a 1,001 page long document, suggests eliminating education entirely. It is interesting to note that the report suprasses that 1,000 page threshold, which is the new gold standard here in Washington. Any report that long is considered to be true and accurate, no matter who wrote it or what they say.

While educators and politicians nationwide are stunned by this amazing conclusion, there are a small group of brave souls who are cautiously getting on board with the results, saying that they’d seen the country going in this direction for many years.

Backing up the conclusion is the failure of our current educational system to properly prepare the youth of America for the workforce. While they authors recognize that there are many contributing factors to this, they hang their hat on the fact that education isn’t as fun as video games. Therefore, they state, eliminating education, so that our youth can concentrate on their video games is a sound practice, preparing them to be successful at something in life.

To make this plan work, they propose shifting the burden to employers; not in educating the employee, but rather in changing the workplace to more closely match the video games. That would make work as fun as education, and surely attract the talents of the best and brightest.

This new plan should eliminate both in school and in place boredom; helping to engage both students and worker more thoroughly in their occupations. Several additional benefits have been noted, namely a lower absentee rate, less likelihood for workplace theft and eliminating problems with getting people to work overtime.

A sidebar to the report notes the need to keep a few schools open, for the purpose of training those few people who want a real education, so that they can enter boring occupations, such as medicine, law, engineering and accounting. It is anticipated that there will be very few student who voluntarily opt for continuing their traditional, boring education.

The new study is currently being analyzed by the department of education. Should it be adopted, it could cost the jobs of many millions of teachers, nationwide. However, the reduction in government spending on education would allow welfare to support those out of work teachers.

“Brave New World” Strikes Back

Leading researchers today at Nowhere Labs, Inc. have announced the final cure for drug addiction. Yes, these far seeing visionaries have finally created a way to get all those druggies off of cocaine, heroin, meth and a myriad of other hallucinatory drugs and back into society. The new drug, named after the drug “Soma” from the book Brave New World is everything that the fictional drug claimed to be.

The research team guarantees that this drug will provide a superior quality high, without any of the depressing effects of other drugs. Even better than that, the drug has none of the dangerous side-effects of the illegal drugs which people are using today.

Public acclaim of this new anti-drug, as they’re calling it, has been breathtaking. Many are talking about the potential destruction of the drug cartels, restoration of civil order, and reduction of Medicare costs in treating current drug users. It appears from everything being said about Soma, that it can do everything but walk on water. It’s even supposed to satisfy the users’ libido.

The Food and Drug Administration is fast-tracking approval of Soma through its system, seeing a potential cure for the millions of drug addicts and even more millions of recreational drug users in society. In carefully guarded statements they are declaring that once Soma hits the market, society’s health in general will be vastly improved.

While there are skeptics to the power of this new anti-drug, they’re voices are largely unheard, being drown out by the general clamor in favor of this technological breakthrough.

Even congress is getting behind the use of Soma, with a bill being introduced today which will provide for free distribution of it to anyone who even claims to be a casual drug user. Provisions in the bill prevent dispensing agencies from turning that information over to police or taking any legal action against those who are asking for their fair share of Soma.

This is a breakthrough day in America. We have finally reached the point where our entire society can be high 24/7 and do so safely, comfortably and free. Just think, being able to go to work or school while high and nobody can complain, because it’s government sanctioned. Yes, people will have a whole new outlook on life, finally being able to see everything through those proverbial rose colored glasses.

To those who are complaining about the inherit danger of having people work while under the influence of drugs, proponents are saying that they are trying to keep people as slaves. These people are obviously hate mongers and bigots, who want to prevent people from enjoying their lives. Proponents of Soma have declared loudly that they can’t understand such hateful actions, quoting that our constitution guarantees everyone citizen’s right to “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” “Here we are, offering happiness,” they say, “and these hate mongers are going against the constitution to declare it illegal.

It appears that the ways are greased for making Soma available to the general public. For now, there’s only a few elect people who are having the opportunity to be part of the field testing. So, if you’ll excuse me, reality is closing in, it must be time for my next dose.

Junk Mail Return System

Somewhere, there’s actually a person who likes receiving junk mail. I’m not sure who they are or where they live, but I’m firmly convinced that they exist. Said person can probably show you the history of junk mail, how it has changed through the years, all with their personal collection of junk that they’ve saved. Why, it wouldn’t surprise me if that person even had their favorite pieces of junk mail framed and hanging on the wall.

Then there are the rest of us. To us, having to get the junk mail out of the mailbox and throw it in the trash is an insult. How dare those companies waste our time by making us take out their trash? Why, it’s an attack on our privacy having them invade our homes with their junk. Why doesn’t real life have a spam filter?

Hey, now there’s an idea; putting a spam filter on the mailbox, just like we do on our e-mail box. Just think, all that junk mail you receive would never have to come into your home. It could be taken care of at the curb, preventing you from wasting your time to throw it away.

Of course, something has to happen with that junk mail, in order to make it go away. We can’t just have it pile up in the mail box; it has to be disposed of in some way. If the mail box was connected to the trash can, it could be sent directly to the trash, saving us the step of having to deal with it ourselves.

Yet, there’s an even better way than that. A solution which is so simple as to be astounding. Since the companies which produce that junk like it so much, why not just send it back to them? A truly automated system, which could take in the mail, analyze it, determine which pieces are real and which ones are junk, then stamp the junk, “Return to Sender.”

Think of it, no more junk mail cluttering up your life. If those marketing experts like junk mail so much, just think how happy they’ll be to find mailbags full of it being dumped on their desks. Instead of filling up landfills, that junk can fill up their offices, while they try and figure out what to do with it. Instead of us having to think of what to do with it, they can. How fair, how just, how right.

The Computer Wars

I can remember back to the beginning of the computer wars. I was young then, new to computers myself. Before the first personal computers hit the market, all I’d ever seen were the monsters in corporate IT departments. No one could get close to those giant brains back then; we’d have to communicate with the computers through a little altar, called the teletype.

There were more contenders back then, than what there are now. Many of them have fallen by the wayside, defeated in the struggle for dominancy of the world. They made their bid for supremacy, but just didn’t have what it takes to rule. It’s been a brutal war, one in which only the most popular can survive.

The first contender I met was the TRS-80, Model 1. It really wasn’t all that impressive looking, even by the standards back then. Why, it looked more like a toy than a true computer. Forget about fancy graphics, enormous hard drives and neon lights; it was plain and simple, chugging along with its white on black text and a tape recorder for its permanent memory. Why, nobody had ever heard of megabytes back then, let along gigabytes or terabytes, we were impressed to see 64 kilobytes.

What a strange twist on Darwinism; it hasn’t been about survival of the fittest, but survival of the most popular. Some would say (and do so loudly) that the fittest hasn’t been the survivor. No, this war has always been about market share; who could garner the most attention. Some of the brave who have fallen just couldn’t get the attention they so richly deserved.

Ever since the beginning, the PC had an advantage, which they capitalized on, having the great and glorious name of IBM to use. Since everyone know that nobody knows more about computers than the computer giant themselves, that made the giant’s little brother a shoe-in for fame; the PC was just an IBM mainframe in a little box. Think of all that raw computing power, sitting there on your desktop, just waiting for you to use it… Not!

While all other contenders have died from lack of attention, there’s one contender who’s just too stubborn to give up the ghost… the Apple. Through all the years of hardship and struggle, Apple’s held on, supported by a meager band of loyal supporters. Never minding that their platform had lost the race, these die-hards still shout loudly, “Apple is King! Apple is King! Long live Apple!”

It’s sad, but true. Victory will never be truly gained for the PC, because Apple still holds on and will still keep holding on, maintaining a small beachhead of superior graphics, no matter what the PCs do.

This war is changing; and it’s changing because of Apple. The PC mega-army is still fighting a conventional war, a war of marketing; but not Apple. No, they’ve switched their tactics, replacing conventional warfare with guerrilla warfare. Since they can’t go head to head with PCs on the field of public opinion, they’ve concocted an end run; in fact, they’ve concocted several end runs.

First there was the iPod, innocent looking in this war, since nobody thought of it as a computer. True strategist knows, wars are won by logistics, so the iPod was backed up by its logistics train; iTunes. When iTunes invades a PC, it takes over all media, converting it to something that the PC can’t understand, without iTunes installed. This gives them a permanent beachhead to use against the PC.

Then there was the iPhone, another soldier in Apple’s guerilla war. People stopped carrying their Pocket PCs and laptops, depending on their iPhone to take care of them. Once again, remembering the lessons of logistics, Apple provided the iPhone with a logistics train; the app store.

The latest blow in this saga of guerilla war is the iPad. Building upon their successes with touch screen technology, Apple hit the left flank of the PC army with a totally unsuspecting attack, a replacement for the laptop. This was a particularly fortunate choice for Apple, as the PC crowd had been gradually shifting over to the lighter, more agile laptop. By attacking the laptop, Apple was attacking the best of the best of PC’s army and dealing it a killer blow.

Even IT professionals have fallen to this latest blow. Many are using their iPads to access mainframes, provide customer support and other tasks which were previously firmly in the grasp of the PC. This end run may have been the greatest strategic victory in the history of computer warfare, dealing a heavy blow right to the heart of PC standings.

Who knows where the war will go from here? It’s clear to see that it’s far from over. The prodigious might of the PC army is a hard foe to defeat. Yet, Apple has shown that innovation in warfare will always succeed. We can only say, may the best man… err, computer… uh, win.

The Computer Equipment Challenge

Have you noticed how computers are getting more and more connections on them? Maybe if you’re relatively new to the world of computers, you haven’t. But, for those who have been using PCs since the beginning of time, there’s a definite difference between those early dinosaurs and their modern cousins. Not only do we have color monitors and fancy accessories, but the computer companies are conspiring to get us to buy more of them.

Yes, for those who are into conspiracy theories, this is a true one. It’s not the government this time, nor is it some secret society it’s big business that’s conspiring against you and me. Yes, the major computer manufacturers have gotten together in a secret meeting and decided how to get into our collective pocket.

Of course, this meeting was so secret that they kept Apple out of it. The rest of the computer community has never accepted Apple as a true member anyway, with their different operating system and their trendy styles. No, Apple’s aren’t real computers, they’re just for kids who want something that looks cool; or, so say the major manufacturers.

Anyway, the purpose of this ultra-secret computer summit was how to wrap up more and more of our lives in our computers. Yes, computers are truly taking over the world, and the computer manufacturers are helping them do so.

The theory is to make our whole lives center around the computer. That’s why so much effort has been put into making the computer an entertainment center, instead of a work center. The first step of the plan was to make everyone do their work on computers, so that they could control our work. That tool control of 1/3 of our lives. The current step is to take over our entertainment.  That’ll take care of the second third of our lives. Then, the final step will be to take over our sleep, giving the computer control of our whole day.

There are still some technological issues to be worked out for sleeping on the computer, but you can see the effects of their alpha testing every day, in workplaces around the world. People sitting in their cubicles and dozing off at work. Here you thought it was boredom, but it’s all part of the plan.

“So,” you ask, “what’s in it for the computer companies? This is a great theory, but where’s the profit?” Aha, that’s the part that’s been kept the most secret. Yes, all this is ultimately about increasing the corporate coffers of the computer corporations. You see, as they take over more and more of our lives, turning us into virtual people, they offer more and more products to lead us gaily skipping along the path to slavery.

Have you noticed how many connections there are on the back of your computer these days? Why, early computers might have had half a dozen, not half a hundred. It’s gotten so crowded back there, that they’re starting to put connections on the front of the computer as well.

There they sit, dozens upon dozens of connections, just looking at you, and challenging you to buy enough toys to fill them all. Yes, that’s what’s going on. They’re trying to get you to buy enough whistles and bells to connect to your compute, so that you never have to leave your chair. Why, I’ve heard that they’re getting ready to start offering soft drink dispensers, right in the computer. That idea was brought about by the super-cooling systems which are now being offered for power users.

Think of it, if you ever do manage to get enough things to fill up all those connections on your computer, you won’t be able to move; you’ll be hemmed into your chair. Especially if you take USB seriously. I mean, really, who needs a connection that can handle 127 devices anyway?

Don’t say you weren’t warned. When you find your life being overcome by the computer, remember what you’ve heard. Rise up! Throw off the encumbrance of the evil computer! Get your life back!

Why not Return to Slavery?

Before reading this, please note, it is not a racist posting. I was thinking of the slavery back in the Roman times when I came up with this idea, not the slavery that existed here in the United States.

Today, more than ever, employers are struggling to find good workers to staff their companies. While there are a surfeit of people who appear to have the right qualifications, most of them seem to be lacking in one important area… that of working. They’ll come to work (once they finally get up), put in their time, and go through the motions. But, as for actually getting any work done, that’s another story.

They’d be glad to work if they just had the time, energy and interest. But, you see, they’ve got to keep up with their Facebook page, their friend’s tweets, e-mails, the latest YouTube posts and of course everyone who calls them while they’re at work. Just let them get through the next call, 14 e-mails, 3 videos and 47 tweets, then if nothing new shows up, they’ll be ready to work.

C’mon now, is that unreasonable? Why, that’s what they did all through school, so that’s what they’re trained to do. If you, as an employer, could just see the value of all that, you’d see that they’re definitely worthy of a promotion and a raise as well.

No wonder employers long for the days of slavery. Just think, to have employees which you could literally chain to their workstations, whipping them to produce more and more. Why, it would save a fortune on supervisory skills training, recruitment and even employee benefits. Just think of all the benefits in having a dedicated workforce, who weren’t always looking over the fence to see if the grass was greener on the other side.

There’s an advantage to the employee, or slave, as well. In today’s flaky economy, many are out of work or worried about losing their jobs. Why, slavery creates the greatest job security there is. This is a true lifetime employment contract; right up till the moment of death. Even Japan has given up the pretense of those contracts, but by the simple act of returning to slavery, we can have them going once again.

Think of the increase in productivity. As slave owners, business managers could take away people’s cell phones, e-mail, even Facebook accounts. No longer would all those distractions keep people from getting their work done, they could focus on their work, not on their smart phone.

Supervision of slaves is much simpler as well. All that is needed is a mean supervisor with a whip and a chair. For supervisory training, they could be sent to the circus to watch the lion tamer. After all, dealing with snarling cats is an awful lot like dealing with some employees, especially before they have their second cup of coffee.

So, to sum it up, you can see that there would be several advantages in returning to the good old days of slavery. It wouldn’t even affect the hearts and minds of the employees much as most already think of themselves as slaves and call their bosses their “slave driver.”

What to do with that Overly Talkative Person

Everyone knows one, that person who you get on the phone, and they never seem to stop talking. Even worse, they never really say anything, although they use an awfully lot of words to do so. Their greatest skill in life seems to be taking up your time, listening to them talk about the minute details of their battles with the hairdresser.

Oh, if we could just find a way to get rid of that person… well, not really get rid of them, but an easy way to get away from them when we need to. I mean, don’t they realize that other people are busy? Where do they find the time to spend hours on the phone, saying absolutely nothing of value?

Of course, you could just insult them enough that they leave you alone; that would solve the problem. But, somehow it always seems that these people are people who we need in our lives for one reason or another. Breaking off the relationship with them could have some dire consequences, which of course is why we put up with them in the first place.

Never fear, there is a solution, and you don’t even have to go to jail for killing them. Modern computer technology is being applied to this frustrating problem even as we speak. Scientists in a hidden lab in the middle of nowhere are applying voice recognition software to this baffling problem. Their goal is to develop a computerized response system to be used with these people, freeing your time for more important activities.

The secret to making this work is to recognize pauses in their speech. Granted, there may not be many of them, but those few that exist are there for a purpose, so that the talked can ensure that the listener (that’s you) is still on the line. In those few brief moments, they are expecting to hear you say something, anything, just to verify that you are still alive. This is where our secret scientists come in.

The program they are developing will analyze that talkative person’s speech patterns, looking for likely places where a response might be expected. It will then automatically provide an appropriate sounding response, to fill in that moment of silence, making it seem as if you were still listening.

What makes the system so effective is that it uses your own voice to answer. When setting the system up, the user is directed to pre-record a series of short responses, which the program will use. Simple things like “uh huh, “and then what,” “really,” “well, I don’t know” and “that’s absurd” top the list of common phrases which the program stores in its memory, ready to use at the appropriate moment.

Think of the time savings this revolutionary device could make for your life. When aunt Suzie, brother Charles or your nemesis from High School call, all you have to do is switch on the program, and go on with whatever you were doing. They’ll never be the wiser.

The “Spring Cleaning Bug” has Bitten

Warning all men! Warning all men! The infamous Spring Cleaning Bug, otherwise known as the “Gotta Clean Bug” has made his annual visit, biting unsuspecting victims nationwide. Yes, this vicious pest has once again wrecked mayhem in homes nationwide, as it attacks victims mercilessly, infecting them with a desire to clean everything in sight. Even worse, those infected feel slighted by others who don’t join in their cleaning frenzy.

How can you tell if your wife has been attacked by this vicious pest? Simple; she’s changed from being a mild-mannered mom and wife into a cleaning machine. Boxes and cabinets which haven’t been opened for a year are suddenly flung open, their contents dumped out and everything sorted, cleaned and repacked. One obvious sign of this symptom is the growing pile of miscellaneous stuff waiting for the first garage sale of the year.

Old bowling trophies, your favorite coffee mug and your high-school football jersey are all likely to end up in that pile, if you but turn your back for a moment. This is dangerous, as it can cause incredible levels of domestic strife. Arguing with her about it won’t do any good, so don’t bother trying. The only thing you can do is to sneak a few of those precious treasures out of the pile, when she goes for the next load. Careful though, you want to make sure you hide them well.

While she is the prime victim of this pesky attack, you can be sure that you will be dragged into it as well. While you may not end up infected by the bite, you can be sure that you will be drafted to take part in cleaning the basement, garage or attic. Never fear, this at least will give you a chance to save some of your most valuable treasures.

Unfortunately, it won’t stop there. There’s a good chance that you’ll soon finding yourself precariously perched on the top of your tallest extension ladder, washing the upstairs windows and cleaning the gutters. However, as distasteful as this duty is, don’t complain, or you’ll end up painting the trim while you’re there.

There are only two known “cures” for the bite of the Spring Cleaning Bug. The first of these is time. Eventually, the effects of the bug wear off, diminishing in their intensity and returning the home to normal. The other one is to distract the victim from cleaning. This risky strategy requires a major distraction to function. So, unless you have been saving for that Caribbean cruise you’ve always wanted to go on, your chances of success are limited.

Take heart, men have been surviving the infection of the Spring Cleaning Bug longer than you and I have been alive. You too will survive this attack, none the less for wear. Who knows, you may find something in the attic which you thought went out in the garage sale of five years ago.

Overcoming the Drudgery of Housework

Well, it has finally happened. For centuries, women have complained about the drudgery of housework. Let’s face it, there’s really not much about housework that’s all that exciting; in fact, it’s outright dull. Those women really have a valid reason for their complaints.

Of all the boring tasks that make up the average homemaker’s task, ironing has to be the champion for boring. I mean, can there be anything exciting about running an iron back and forth over various articles of clothing, trying to get the wrinkles out of it? I can see it now, the greatest thrill of ironing… getting a straight crease on the pants leg. Wow! If that doesn’t get your blood flowing, what will?

Well, never fear, someone has finally come up with a solution to the humdrum life of ironing. You can still have your shirts nice and crisp, while enjoying the adrenalin rush of any number of more exciting activities. “How?” you ask. By participating in the sport of extreme ironing.

This new sport was invented in 1997 by a crazy Englishman who needed to get his ironing done, but would rather have been rock climbing. So, being the responsible Englishman that he was, he combined the two, taking his iron, board and freshly wrinkled shirts with him while rock climbing.

Well, that’s all it took. Once he had broken the ice, everyone had to get into the act; not just rock climbers, but other extreme sports fanatics as well. Today we see these extreme ironers not only practicing their skills on the tops of statues and cliffs, but while scuba diving, skiing, snowboarding, doing gymnastics, water skiing, skydiving and sailing. Extreme ironers are found around the world, on tanks in the midst of combat zones, underwater, up to their waist in icy water, on go-carts and in caves under the ground. Why there are even those whose desire for thrills has caused them to iron on train tracks, frantically rushing to beat the oncoming train.

In January of 2009, a group of 128 scuba divers set a world record for simultaneous ironing underwater, by having 86 members of their team iron within a 10 minute period. While I’m sure that their work was of the highest quality, nobody could tell once they brought their shirts out of the water.

So, here you have it, the solution for the humdrum of homework. All you have to do is take up extreme ironing. Never be bored out of your gourd again; instead, get that adrenalin rush you always knew that ironing could give you. All it takes is a little imagination, a little craziness and your standard iron and board.

Once you gain expertise as an extreme ironer, you can take it to the next step by going into extreme vacuuming. Yes, the ironing sport now has competition, with a splinter group who’s trying to take housework to a new and higher level of excitement. 

Avoid the Stress of that First Fender Bender, with a Pre-Dented Car

Psychologists have recently discovered that there is an incredible amount of stress associated with buying a new car. Not only is there the huge decision of which car to buy, with over 250 models of cars on the U.S. market, but there’s the financing, insurance, taxes and licensing to consider. All in all, the act of buying a new car is a pretty stressful endeavor.

But even with all that, there’s one stress that goes with the new car ownership, which outshines them all. That stressor is the idea of trying to keep that new car looking nice and new as long as possible. New car owners will go to great lengths to keep their car looking like it’s still on display in the showroom; everything from washing it every day to parking way out in the parking lot and hiking a half mile, just to make sure that the owner of the car in the next space can’t ding the pain job.

The day that the first nick, scratch or ding happens is a tragic day in the life of every new car owner. No longer is their pride and joy the pristine wonder that they brought home from the dealership. Now it’s just another old piece of junk for taking them from here to there.

To help reduce the shock of this tragic event, auto manufacturers have invested countless pennies and seconds of time into research into how to prolong or even eliminate that moment of time when a new car is no longer a new car. Finally, they found the answer.

Actually, the idea came from the manufacturers of denim blue jeans. Where it was once thought cool to have jeans that were a nice dark blue, without a single defect in them, it has now become the style to wear jeans which are “destroyed.” Just in case you aren’t sure what that word means, it means that the jeans are one step away from the trash can. Those are the cool jeans.

This phenomenon started back in the hippy days of the 60s. Whether from lack of money, or from lack of hygiene, many hippies ran around with messed up jeans. Hollywood actors and actresses, always quick to catch on to the latest fad, caught on to this idea and ran with it, making it cool to wear trashy jeans. Of course, once they did it, that make destroyed jeans the style. Nowadays, blue jean manufacturers take perfectly good pants, run them through the washing machine a number of times, with lots of bleach, rocks and pieces of broken glass, looking for that coveted “destroyed” look.

So, what does this have to do with cars? Simple, all the auto manufacturers have to do to eliminate the stress of that first fender bender is to have it for the new car owner. Trained test drivers can creatively ding cars as they come off the assembly line, just to take away that worry.

Of course, the intensity of the shock to these new cars will have to be carefully controlled as to not make the damage so severe as to cause functional damage to the car. However, with proper planning and thorough training of the test crashers, this problem should be easily overcome.

I’m sure that once the idea catches on, people will be willing to pay handsomely for this added service. After all, how much is stress elimination worth to them?

Can’t Keep up with Those Software Updates

Computer prices have dropped tremendously. Why, the computing power you can get in an el-cheapo today would have meant buying a mainframe computer a couple of decades ago. Then, you’d probably have to hire your own programmer to do what the average home computer can do today. Not only are you getting more for your buck, but you’re having to use less bucks to do it.

While computer prices have dropped, software hasn’t. A software update today, to upgrade your favorite program to version 18.3 costs as much as it did when you upgraded it to version 2.1, oh so many years ago. That’s a bit if a win though, considering that everything else has gone up.

The software manufacturers have obviously learned a lesson from Henry Ford and his corporate cousins. That is, they’ve learned the lesson of the model year upgrade. By upgrading their software, they can make sure that most everyone has to buy their product over and over again. It’s pretty sneaky, if you ask me. I mean isn’t a word processing program a word processing program? What is there to upgrade?

But, if you don’t upgrade, then your software won’t work on your new computer, which of course has a new operating system. Since the old software and the new operating system don’t speak the same language, the software crashes and you can’t do anything. Of course, I really think that they could talk to each other, at least in development, until the programmers added an intentional glitch to keep them from talking to one another. That’s something else they learned from the auto makers, it’s called planned obsolescence.

Planned obsolescence shows its ugly head in another manner as well. Every once in a while, one of these great software houses makes a change to their file format. Now, all the files you have carefully preserved for the last umpteen years are no longer valid. Your new program doesn’t want to read the old files, and of course you don’t have the old program anymore, because it’s been replaced by the new one. Oops!

Yeah, well, they usually create a patch for that, which allows your new version to read the old version’s files, but that doesn’t guarantee that it’ll read them correctly. It could just as easily turn the file upside down and backwards, flatten the layers, take out the attributes and change the language to Kurdish.

Thanks, software houses, for making our lives so interesting. Truly, the cost of the new computer was nothing, compared to the cost of all your updates.

Oh, and just because you bought the update, doesn’t mean that you’re out of the woods. The next bigger and better version is right around the corner. In fact, it might come out at any moment; say, as soon as you install the new one you bought.

Now, Where did I Leave my Car?

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Have you ever noticed how well some women can lose their car in a parking lot? While any parking lot will do for this, the true car loser really shines when they go to the mall. There’s something about a shopping trip that makes women forget how they even got to there. Why, some of them can’t even remember which car they drove to the mall, let alone where they left it.

Countless woman hours and even some man hours have been spent in searching mall parking lots for lost cars. The truly expert car loser can spend hours, circling the parking lot over and over again, trying to remember what their car looked like and where they left it. Often, the only solution left to these poor souls is to wait until the mall closes and everyone else leaves. Then you can still find 20 or 30 women circling the parking lot, wondering which of the cars which have been left behind is theirs.

Some progress has been made in this plight by the advent of the remote door lock. With it, these women can walk up and down the aisles of the parking lot, pushing their button, and waiting for a car to respond. While it still requires excessive time, at least when they get close to their own car, it can recognize them.

A solution to this issue has been proposed in building upon the idea of the remote door lock. It would require some modifications to these women’s cars, but the savings in hours of traipsing through parking lots in high heels would be worth it.

The simple chance that has been proposed is to mount a light and siren on the top of these women’s cars, much like the bubble gum machine on a police cruiser. To increase effectiveness, this should be installed on an elevator lift, so that it can be lifted 20 or 30 feet into the air. That way, the lights and siren wouldn’t be lost in the sea of SUVs and monster trucks surrounding those women’s cars. Some other minor technical details would have to be worked out, like increasing the range of the remote and an interlock to ensure that the car can’t move with the light elevator raised.

Imagine it, stepping out the door of the mall and instantly being able to tell where your car is, with just a simple push of the button. No more hours of killing your ankles walking through the parking lot or having to wait till the mall closes to find your car. What a boon to efficiency!

Of course, if this idea caught on too well, it could cause some additional problem. Three or four women all exit the mall and push their buttons at the same time. One car answers and they all run for it. It would be like a reverse Cinderella story, but instead of whose foot fits the shoe, the winner would be whose key fits the car. The losers would then have to go back in the mall, find another exit and try again.

While this slight modification would be rather costly, it would be much cheaper than having to replace the car every time it gets lost in the mall parking lot. I’m sure that the marketing wizards would catch onto that and use it as a way to further their sales of the car’s women finding system.

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A note to the ladies: Before you get offended, thinking I'm making fun of you; remember, this blog is satire. It's about making fun of life. If you can't laugh at this, then maybe you need to get your funny bone checked. I'm really not being sexist, chauvinistic or any of those other bad things, I'm just laughing at the crazy situations we encounter in life.

The Inspection Sticker Trap

The police have secretly laid a trap for all car buyers. As with speed traps and other sorts of traps, this one exists solely to provide an opportunity for the police to hand out ticket. After all, everyone knows about the ticket quotas which cops have, right?

This new trap is a subtle one. It requires a network of spies and impeccable timing on the part of the officers who are running it. They have to catch you at just the right moment, or it’s too late. What makes it even trickier for the cops, is that it only works in cases where somebody buys a used car privately; hence the need for a spy network.

Most people who are selling cars privately don’t worry too much about little details like expired inspection stickers and license plates. Why should they spend money on things like that, when they aren’t driving the car? So, you buy a car and it’s everything is expired. Somehow, you’ve got to drive that car home, and do so without getting caught. That’s why the timing is so crucial.

As you turn the corner a couple of blocks from home, you suddenly see some pretty flashing lights in your rear view mirror. Yes, they’ve got you. They’ve been waiting for this moment from the time they first heard you were looking for a car. Now, they’ve got you and they’ve got you good. It’s a double-whammy ticket, both expired license plates and expired inspection. Yes! Extra points for a double header!

It doesn’t do any good to try and explain the situation, that’ll get you nowhere. They already know the situation and have been waiting for it. The officer will patiently explain, from behind his cheshire grin, that you should have taken care of the license plates before you drove the car home. It doesn’t matter if you didn’t have another car to go to the license bureau, that’s your problem, not theirs.

Of course, they never bother with the real trap, that of the sticker. I mean, think about it. How are you supposed to take your car to get an inspection sticker, without driving it? Are you supposed to carry it on your back?

Let’s see, you can’t drive the car to the inspection station to get the sticker if you don’t have the sticker; but you can’t get the sticker if you don’t take the car to the inspection station. So, where do you get the sticker from?

Like I said, it’s a trap. The cop gets to hand out a ticket, and you get the great joy of helping to pay the high costs of your city’s government. All thanks to the diligent efforts of your local police department. 

To Live in Fatville

The famous Gallup Poll people have recently put out their list of the country’s fattest cities and McAllen, Texas made won the contest for the fattest city in the nation. Wow, I’ve always wanted to live in a city that was considered number one, but for fatness? That wasn’t what I had in mind.

The truly mind-boggling statistic is that 38.8% of the residents in the McAllen Metropolitan area are obese. Yep, that’s right, that’s more than one out of three, for those who’ve forgotten their elementary school math. I’d say I’m proud to be part of that statistic, only I’m not. Besides, I don’t think they counted the little town I live in, which is just outside of the claimed area.

By the way, for those of you who are wondering where the great metropolitan area of McAllen is, it’s in the very southern point of Texas, right on the border with Mexico. For those who live in a real metropolitan area, I’m sure you wouldn’t agree that McAllen, with a population of 130,000 bodies; or the greater McAllen area, with a population of a little shy of 300,000 qualifies as a metropolitan area qualifies. Nevertheless, the statistic stands.

The problem is severe enough that it has been suggested that it will need to be dealt with on a person by person basis. After all, trying to convince that many people to lose weight at once might be a bit of a challenge. So, I decided to analyze the situation and see if the person by person plan would work.

Let’s see, if we do something about this, one person at a time, and we’re talking about 38.8% of the population, how long would that take? Hmm, that percentage is talking about the McAllen area, so we’ll go with a population of 300,000. That means that we’ll need to deal with 116,400 individuals. If we can get each of them on a crash diet and extensive exercise program, the best we can hope for is losing their excess weight in 3 months (Yeah, right; as if that’s going to happen). So, if we work on the problem one person at a time, it will only take 29,100 years. Hmm, maybe we’d better forget the one person at a time gig and go for the masses.